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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28117395">The Dangers of Commitment</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roe_Pacmanshooter/pseuds/Roe_Pacmanshooter'>Roe_Pacmanshooter</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Branches of Life [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stardew Valley (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Drama, Established Relationship, F/F, F/M, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pining, Trauma, married-with-kids, mentions of sexual contact, partially mildly SVE-inspired, so much drama, wayyy over the top drama</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 23:28:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>39,856</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28117395</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roe_Pacmanshooter/pseuds/Roe_Pacmanshooter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>First 5 chapters: Short story about Elliot worrying why his husband isn't coming home and going out trying to find him. After that, next drama begins leading into a tad more of a larger plot. Manipulating shadow entities included.</p><p>This is were the drama happens.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Elliott/Male Player (Stardew Valley), Leah/Haley(background after chapter 11)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Branches of Life [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2177874</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Home alone</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Elliot lay in bed, waiting. It was 4 in the morning. Four! Sometimes, his husband didn’t come home until 2am, that wasn’t too uncommon. He was always so busy, optimizing the farm, running errands, always eager to please everyone at once. Elliot had often heard others say that he had given them an item they’d requested late at night, at an hour where one wouldn’t want to be out and about anymore, aside from walking home from the saloon.<br/>
Elliot loved his husbands dedication.<br/>
What he didn’t love were the lonely evenings while his love was off tending to the farm, running errands or – worst of all – hacking and slaying his way through the mines.<br/>
Elliot shifted in bed, lying on his side, hugging his knees.<br/>
Robert had never been this late. Lately, he’d actually tried being home sooner – or at least staying around a bit in the evening before Elliot went to bed. Muddy footsteps often told the writer that his love had gone out again after he’d gone to bed.<br/>
Sometimes this life made him feel lonelier than when he was back in his cabin.<br/>
Not that he didn’t love his new life. He loved his husband to bits, he adored their children. Being a father was more rewarding than he’d ever thought possible. The moments the four of them spend together were the happiest of his life and he cherished every minute.<br/>
But…<br/>
He rolled to the other, empty, side.<br/>
So cold.<br/>
He had told Robert that it upset him how sporadic the time seemed that they spend together, recently. Not that they used to hang around together all day before the kids were born, no. In fact, he remembered being very obsessed with writing his second novel for a time- did they see each other more than for one meal a day during those times? He vaguely remembered writing until late into the night, Robert asleep nearby for hours on end…<br/>
But Robert wasn’t here now. It didn’t really matter when things had changed or what their general amount of quality time was, these days. What mattered was, that Robert wasn’t home when he should have been home hours ago.<br/>
Did something happen to him?<br/>
He gave the watch another look. 4:30. He rolled out of bed and got dressed. There was no use in trying to sleep anymore, and if something had happened to his husband, he’d better find out quickly…<br/>
He started preparing breakfast for the kids.<br/>
Somehow he’d gotten more domestic with the years.<br/>
He felt silly even thinking it, as being a married man with two kids seemed so obviously domestic that it was ridiculous to view this as anything less than obvious. But… lately he felt he was longing for more classically domestic moments. He wanted fixed mealtimes with the family. For every meal. He wanted to know how long Robert would be away when he went on one of his expeditions. He wanted Sunday brunches and double dates with friends.<br/>
When had he become such a strange creature?<br/>
Sure – he’d always been strange in his own way, and a romantic for sure. But there was a distinct difference in being a lonely romantic living on a beach, pining for dramatic love – or being a husband wishing his partner would please have more of a joint social schedule with him.<br/>
5am. He was done prepping anything the kids could need during the day. He gave Leah a call, knowing the ringing of her phone would coincide with her alarm clock – the early bird was a welcome target for the starving artist.<br/>
It was time for him to find his husband.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This has got to be the shortest opening to any story I've ever posted. But I had to throw it out there. So yeah. This is the opening. For full context; The children are ElliotsxRoberts biological kids. Because they are. Yes, both are men. If you need me to spell my headcanon out, drop me a comment. Otherwise- more to follow soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Search</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Searching for help, Elliot turns to the only people who know anything about the mines: The Adventurers guild.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Elliot ventured through town, trying to figure out where he should start, avoiding the obvious answer. </p>
<p>He checked the Saloon, the Wizards tower, the sewers and the witches lair. No horse outside, anywhere. </p>
<p>He swallowed hard, as he knew which space was left, where he had known all along the horse – and therefore, Robert – would be…</p>
<p>It stood beside the mine entrance, looking restless. As it saw Elliot, it made a gleeful sound, coming over, rubbing its head against the mans shoulder who absentmindedly patted its flank.</p>
<p>Robert was in the mine. He hadn’t come out. His horse was here. </p>
<p>Elliot buried his face in his hands for a moment, trying to not think the worst, trying to stay positive, stay hopeful…</p>
<p>
  <i>How many adventurers have died in these mines?</i>
</p>
<p>He didn’t want to think it. Didn’t want to imagine coming to this conclusion, having to tell the children, raising them on his own in a house far to empty without the man he loved. An image flashed through his mind – Robert, lying in the dirt, his head a caved-in mess.</p>
<p>
  <i>He’s not dead! Stop thinking it! He’s fine! He’s fine!</i>
</p>
<p>He swallowed his tears and started knocking on the adventurers guilds door. “Hey! Marlon! Anyone! I need help! Please!” </p>
<p>He hammered for a while until finally, he heard movement and saw a light approaching the door. How long had he waited? It felt like his lungs were dry from the yelling. </p>
<p>The door opened and he looked into the grim face of Marlon, seemingly ready to take his head off.<br/>“What?!”<br/>“I’m sorry to disturb you, but,-”<br/>“Get to the point!”<br/>Elliot shook, trying to concentrate, trying really hard not to panic, but he knew he had no chance going into the mines alone-</p>
<p>
  <i>...and I won’t have my children become orphans because I’m too stubborn to get help…</i>
</p>
<p>“Robert went into the mines yesterday and never came home.”<br/>Marlons face became even more scrounged up than should be humanely possible. He gave a sharp nod. “One minute.” He turned and walked into the back of the small house, invisible to Elliot's eyes. He heard mumbling and Marlon returned, a strange-looking purple-haired man in tow.<br/>“Robert is a seasoned adventurer. Its not like him to have issues in these mines, therefore I wanted some more back-up...” Marlon said, gesturing towards the stranger. “This is is Wizard Rasmodius. He too, is a friend of your husband.”<br/>The stranger nodded to him. His face was grim but he had kind eyes and extended a hand in greeting. “Pleasure to meet you. I wish it was under better circumstances. Robert is a good fighter and a loyal friend. I will do anything I can to help you find him...”</p>
<p>They made their way through the mines. <br/>Floor after floor, no signs of battle. <br/>Rasmodius said, he would detect if there were human bodies on a level as soon as they got to it. Though he wouldn’t be able to tell in what condition they were until they got to it.</p>
<p>Level 23 contained flying skulls. Unusual, as Marlon said, but no trace of Robert..</p>
<p>It was almost 10am by the time Rasmodius held up his hand for them to be quiet. He closed his eyes and seemed to reach out with his senses for a moment before he nodded. “A human was here. Recently. Maybe they still are...” <br/>Marlon nodded. The small group went into a crouching position, Marlon in front, Elliot in the middle. He was weary and tired. The anxiety what had happened to Robert had turned his legs into jelly and he felt sick from exhaustion.</p>
<p>They made their way through the cave and came to a swarm of slimes, hovering in place over something lying on the ground. <br/>Elliot felt his jaw tighten as he noticed a pair of shoes in the chaos of glowing monsters. He was no fighter, but upon this scene he felt wild rage tear through him as he clenched his teeth and fists alike. Without thinking he started moving forward but Rasmodius held him back. “Wait. The slime monsters are some of the lesser enemies in these caves but they are deadly, still. Marlon and I will draw their them away, then you can get him. Drag him to the elevator and immediately return to even ground. We’ll follow you shortly.” <br/>They didn’t wait for a reply but rushed forward, swinging a sword and a staff respectively, just about hitting the slimes before drawing to the site. </p>
<p>It took a minute or two for them to maneuver the slimes off the body lying on the ground and with each edge that became visible the gnawing feeling in Elliots stomach increased.<br/><i>Why. Why. WHY? Why do you do this to me? Why weren’t you more careful? How could you put yourself in such danger and me into this situation? Don’t you know how much you’re hurting me every time you endanger yourself?! If you’re dead… How will I go on? Oh Yoba, what will I do…?</i></p>
<p>He waited as long as he could before rushing forward. </p>
<p>
  <i>Don’t look too close. Don’t-</i>
</p>
<p>He’d turned the body around to lift him in a fireman's carry and saw the injuries. His husbands face was ripped open and swollen at the side, a large oozing wound at his rip cage. He was ice cold. </p>
<p>
  <i>Don’t think. Don’t think. Grab him and run. Do it! </i>
</p>
<p>He tried to get himself together, crouched down and lifted his husband up, his arms underneath his legs and behind his back. The wound at the ribs was now pressed to his own chest in a matter that should hurt quite a bit, but the other didn’t even stir. Elliot steadied himself and walked to the elevator, trying not to rush his step, trying not to note how stiff and cold his husband lay in his arms. They reached the elevator. He operated it with his elbow. He started going numb, working on automation now. <br/>He couldn’t stop looking at the wound. <br/>They reached ground level. He carried the man outside, placing him on the ground carefully. He wrapped his mantle around him and reached for his cellphone. </p>
<p>“Dr. Harvey? This is Elliot. I’m right outside the caves-”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Waiting</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sometimes its the worst part.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hours passed. Elliot wanted nothing more but to be home and in bed. </p><p>He was exhausted beyond belief, he was sad and battered and he felt like he couldn’t take any more punishment. </p><p>But instead of resting he just walked up and down.</p><p>Up and down.</p><p>In a circle. </p><p>From one corner of the doctors office to the next, changing the pattern, walking. </p><p>He couldn’t rest. He couldn’t help! <i>This is my own personal hell… </i></p><p>He stood for a moment, resting his head on the cool wall. At least, his love wasn’t dead. <i>Not yet, anyway. </i></p><p>Hearing that his husband was, in fact alive, earlier, had been a relief, of course. But Dr. Harvey had told him immediately that he was far from out of danger. That he’d have to perform surgery. That he couldn’t tell how bad the infection was yet…</p><p>Elliots vanity piped up for a moment, noting that he possibly never looked more disheveled as he was right now. Since he’d been thrown out of the operating room, he had literally been pulling his hair out and it had been...ten hours since he’d left the house to look for Robert?</p><p>He gave in and sat down, resting his face in his hands again, wishing desperately to hear the news, to hear that Robert would be okay, that Elliot would get to hold him again, feel him again… yell at him for putting him through all this. </p><p>The front door opened and closed, someone stepping in softly. Elliot felt a soft hand on his shoulder and looked up, almost in shock. <br/>Leah stood beside him and squeezed his shoulder. <br/>“You look terrible, Elliot.”<br/>Seeing her somehow dialed his fears up even more. “The kids?!” He sprang up.<br/>“Shshshhhh...” Leah pushed him back to sit, one hand on each shoulder. “They’re fine, Elliot. Its all fine. I asked Penny to take over for me so I could check in on you.”</p><p>He looked at her a moment longer and buried his face again. He felt like a dam breaking. “Its not… Its not looking so good.” She sat down beside him and put one arm around him, holding him to her side.</p><p>He sighed and leaned in. <br/>She didn’t say anything when he started crying silently. <br/>She just sat there, softly stroking his back. <br/>Waiting with him.</p><p> </p><p>More hours had passed when Harvey finally came out. Elliot jumped to attention. Leah had coaxed him into eating a snack from the saloon in between, but he still felt like a bad night warmed over.</p><p>“He’s stable, for now.” </p><p>Elliot swallowed thick, sensing a but coming on. </p><p>“However… He’s gonna have to stay the night and remain on antibiotics for a while. We’ll have to see how his body reacts to the infection. He isn’t out of danger yet. He should wake up in a few hours, though.” <br/>Harvey looked from Leah, looking worried and a bit worn, to Elliot. The latter looked even worse than when he’d had the flu a few years before – Sunken red eyes over dark bags, his hair a mess of knots. <br/>“You should really get some rest. Both of you. There’s nothing else you can do for here for now.”</p><p>Elliot shook his head. “I need to be here… I need to be here if anything.. changes… if he wakes up..or...” He clenched his teeth again, hiding his eyes with one hand to mask the fresh tears.</p><p>Harvey sighed. “Alright. But just you. I can’t let more than one person stay with him, for now.” </p><p>He signaled a nurse. “This is nurse Steven from Grampelton, I asked him over to take the night shift. He’ll get you situated.” He left them, while the nurse hovered patiently in the background. </p><p>Elliot turned to Leah to say something, when she gave him a big hug, holding him close. “It’s okay. I’ll take care of the kids. Stay.”<br/>He sighed, giving into his exhaustion for a moment, sinking into the hug and just soaking in the feeling of someone caring for him. “Thank you...” He didn’t trust his voice further than that. </p><p>He knew she understood.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Awake</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Robert woke in dizzyness. He felt cold and his ribs numbly hurt.<br/>Dragon. Huge. Fire. So hot. Claws. So sharp.</p><p>He tried opening his eyes but his eyelids felt so heavy. What happened? Where was he?<br/>Dragon. Claws. Sword. Dragon.<br/>“huh...”</p><p>That was it. There had been a freaking dragon! Why?! He had encountered them in the skull mines sometimes, but never in this size or in this color, and it had been so strong!</p><p>His mouth tasted like plaster. His throat was sore.</p><p>How long had he been out? It had already been 6pm when he encountered the monster! He had already been about to leave when that fucking monster stood in his way suddenly… Why couldn’t he move?</p><p>He focused on his eyes. They were sticky but after a few more tries he managed to open them.<br/>White. Everything was white and blurry. He lifted his hand – a blunt, lead-filled, imprecise hammer – and wiped his face, trying to get clear vision. Blankets. Soft. He felt cold but there was a blanket and something...reddish in his vision. He rolled to the side, traying to get closer.</p><p>Brown-red. Familiar.</p><p>Robert felled scikness rolling around his stomach and hoped it wouldn’t get worse. Hospital. He had to be.</p><p>
  <i>That smell… orange..spicy…</i>
</p><p>There were other smells too but these clicked and he suddenly recognized the reddish mass.<br/>“glech” he grumbled, trying to get a word out but only mumbling nonsense. He rolled closer, reaching the mass of red hair lying across the side of the bed.</p><p>
  <i>Ell...iot…</i>
</p><p>He shuffled over and awkardly cuddled up to the man. It was difficult to understand how exactly they were situated but apparently the other had slumped over his upper body over the bed and...fallen asleep?</p><p>Suddenly panic grabbed him. He was asleep, wasn’t he? The sudden irrantional fear that something worse had happened to Elliot, that he wasn’t okay after all- Maybe he wasn’t even here in the first place, maybe he had died and this was hell and Elliot wasn’t okay and-</p><p>He vaguely noticed that he was breathing much too fast, some machine beeping beside him but he just couldn’t. Think. Straight.</p><p>Suddenly, the mass in his arms moved. The figure straightened for a second before coming down again, crushing him in a hug.  </p><p>Apparently Elliot was alive after all. </p><p>Robert felt the anxiety leaving him. His breathing eased for a moment though his ribs started to ache terribly. He gasped and the other let go, keeping one arm around him. Robert heard words but everything was still so unclear, like hearing through Styrofoam. </p><p>At least his vision started to come in. </p><p>He strained to lift his hand up, placing it on Elliots face, trying to get him into focus. </p><p>The other grabbed his hand, saying something, but Robert couldn’t understand yet… Finally he managed to focus on those green eyes, and he despaired.<br/>His husband looked like he’d been through hell.  <i>All because of me.</i><br/>“I’m...sorry...so sorry...” he mumbled as his eyes filled with tears. His voice was strained but he didn’t care. <i>This is all my fault.</i></p><p> </p><p>Elliot held his love’s hand, kissing it absentmindedly, crying still. </p><p>He’d woken to find the other not only awake but cuddled up to him, hope bursting like a flame, relief flooding his gates, finally breaking all the tension he’d been feeling through this ordeal. <br/>“You’re safe.. You’re okay...”, he murmured to both of them, kissing the others hand over and over, unable to contain his emotion. All he wanted was to hold his partner close, never to let go again – but the fresh wound prohibited prolonged pressure and he didn’t feel like he would be able to keep himself from squeezing too much. </p><p>He sought the others eyes. His gaze was glassy but clear in recognition. <br/>Elliot felt himself sag in more relief. A part of him had been worried.. if he would recognize him. </p><p>While Harvey had said nothing of amnesia risk or anything of that kind, Elliot had heard too many vague pop culture tropes about what could happen to people who lay unconscious for a longer period of time – and Robert would have been lying in that cave for several hours by the time they found him. </p><p>He looked back into his eyes and found him crying silently, murmuring something unintelligible. Elliot kissed away his love’s tears at the spots were his skin wasn’t layered in gauze, making soft sounds to calm him down. </p><p>He already felt the relief coming down and the anger of this situation burbling up. But what good would it do to lay down accusations now when the other could barely speak, let alone understand what he had to say? <br/>No. There would be time for angry words in the morning. <br/>For now he was just endlessly glad, that his husband was safe.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Weeeell this part was one of those bits that actually lead to the story itself existing. Character-almost-dies-and-finds-partner-waiting-for-them-to-wake-up is one of my favorite tropes, I'm afraid. Yes, its sappy and cliché and I don't care. Hope you liked it!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Resolution</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Elliot needs to finally clear the air.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Elliot woke with his stomach in knots. </p><p>He looked at the clock and sighed.</p><p>4:50 stared at him in glowing green letters.</p><p>
  <i>Might as well get up.</i>
</p><p>He took extra care to shower today, brushing his hair even slower and more careful than usually, his thoughts strangely slow and uneasy.</p><p>After spending some more time with Robert the night before, making sure that he was going to be alright, he’d gone home. </p><p>He checked on the kids, thanked Penny and sent her home and spend the remaining late evening with thinking. </p><p>Usually, if he would have been home alone at such a night he would have written. </p><p>The atmosphere was perfect. But though his mind had felt alive with ideas, he had felt that anything he could have written would have ended up sounding spiteful, biting – not a trait he wished to cultivate in his writing.</p><p>
  <i>I never want to go through this again.</i>
</p><p>He looked out the window and thought back to that moment, not even 24 hours ago. </p><p>Robert, lying on the ground, face down, surrounded by monsters.<br/>
Dead to the eye and to the world had they not found them. </p><p>As much as it hurt, Elliot tried to cultivate the image in his mind as clear as he could, as it was the essence of his suffering and the culmination of all his fears. He needed to be sure that he cultivated the pain as he needed it so he wouldn’t forgive his love instantly upon getting him out of the hospital.</p><p>He dressed sharply, his fashionable wardrobe once again giving him a layer of security and confidence. </p><p>He got the kids out of bed, took his time entertaining them for a bit, feeding and dressing them to go out. </p><p>Elliot didn’t think it likely that his husband would be allowed to leave Dr. Harveys care already today, but he felt it necessary to bring the family together and to have the talk they had to have.<br/>
Today.<br/>
If the other was lucid enough to have it, that was. </p><p>He got the kids in the stroller and slowly made his way into the city through the snow.<br/>
The man knew in his heart of hearts that everything was going to be okay, but he felt an anxious anticipation on the oncoming talk. </p><p>Harvey greeted them at the door, taking a moment to say hi to the kids, noting how healthy they looked, before turning to Elliot. “You can go see him. The wing is otherwise empty and he’s up and lucid. Still, I’d like to keep him another day. I’m still not quite sure about that infection so I’d like to be on the safe side.” Elliot nodded, strangely grateful to have this small distance before his husband would be going home. Maybe they needed this short.. break… to properly heal. Both of them.</p><p>“Good morning.” He stuck his head into the room obliquely. Robert was sitting in his bed, a newspaper on his lap. His face lit up upon seeing the other manm though a small hint of something negative remained. Was it sadness? Regret?.<br/>
“Hey...”<br/>
“There’s someone here that really wants to see you...” Elliot said, immediately wheeling the kids in, resulting in an explosion of delighted screams from the kids. Robert spent some time playing and talking to the kids until they seemed sufficiently convinced that there dad was going to be okay. Though he and Elliot traded glances and carefull words in between, both felt the pain that hung between them, neither oblivious to the words that need to be said and heard.</p><p>After a bit, Harvey came by, giving a polite cough to get their attention. “Elliot, I just wanted to let you know that Maru is here now and that we have some toys in the waiting area for such… moments.” He noted, his voice rather neutral. Elliot gave a thankful nod with a shy smile, sighing quietly. 
</p><p>“Come on kids, there’s some toys you can play with outside. I gotta talk to daddy for a few moments...”<br/>
</p><p>“But Paaa! Wanna stay with daddy!” They mildly argued while Elliot slowly but steadily wiggled the kids out of the room. Maru gave him an understanding smile, taking the two off his hands for the time being.</p><p>Elliot sighed. <i>Guess we’re doing this...</i></p><p>He went back inside, closing the door carefully, resting his forehead against the door for a moment.<br/>
“You’re angry.”<br/>
“Yes goddammit!” Elliot hissed, carefully keeping his voice down. It wasn’t like him to yell and to his knowledge, he’d never yelled at Robert, not even raised his voice, to this day.<br/>
But by Yoba, he felt like doing it now.<br/>
He stalked over, his back rigid, his fists clenched. He was shaking ever so slightly. </p><p>Robert just sat there, looking at him, waiting. The man still looked pretty bad, but his eyes were clear. He was watching him with a sad expression. “Do you want to lay it out before I apologize or…?”<br/>
</p><p>“Apologizing won’t do!” Elliot clenched his teeth, then buried his face in his hands for a moment. He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself.<br/>
</p><p>He sat down heavily, grabbing Roberts hands. “You almost died.” he looked at him grimly, his jaw tight. “If I hadn’t gotten there in time, you would have.” Robert made a surprised sound. “...Y-You got me?! I thought...”<br/>
</p><p>“That anyone else had noticed?!?! No, goddammit. I was alone at home, worried sick were you were. At 4 in the morning I knew something was wrong, I knew I had to look for you. It took me and the others hours on end to find you, and when we did...” His voice broke at the memory. He closed his eyes for a moment, holding back the tears. Robert too, was shaking now, his hands holding on to him like a shaky lifeline.<br/>
</p><p>“Elliot… I-”<br/>
</p><p>“No.”Elliot looked up again. “I need to get this all out now. You need to hear this. All of it.” </p><p>He took a deep breath. “I’d gotten help – Marlon and the wizard – without them, I couldn’t have saved you. You were lying deep in the mine, more than 50 levels deep. When we got to you, monsters were gnawing at your side. Gnawing at you!”<br/>
</p><p>He wiped an angry tear from his eye. “I got you back here and… well. Harvey fixed you. Over hours. He performed 6 hours worth of surgery on you while I stood in that waiting area, not knowing if I had lost you forever.<br/>
</p><p>If I would have to raise our children on my own. Can you even.. remotely imagine.. how that felt?” he couldn’t hold back his tears anymore.</p><p>Robert had started crying silently as Elliot had gone on, tried to reach out, obviously wanting to soothe Elliot, wanting to touch, stroke, hold – but Elliot kept him at bay, stiffly pushing him back, not allowing touch beyond their hands. 
</p><p>“I’m not done” He said darkly. “Robert… this wasn’t the first time I lay awake at night, worrying if you were safe. Anytime you go out with your sword, I have to wonder if you return. Anytime I wake late at night, the bed empty and cold, I have to wonder what happened to you. If I will wake to find you by my side or to the phone ringing, somebody telling me they’ve found your corpse.” he looked into Roberts eyes.  </p><p>“I cannot do this anymore. I understand you took on certain duties when joining the adventurers guild – and I admire you for fighting so hard to protect the valley and all of us. But you have a family, Robert. Children and a husband who need you. I get that you can’t just give up your work in that area. But I need you to be safer and I need you to be home at night. Maybe you can find someone to partner up with when you go into the mines, I don’t know. I just know that… I cannot go on like this, with you.<br/>
</p><p><i>I love you</i>, Robert. More than I’ve ever loved anyone. But for our children and for myself.. I need you to hear me now. Otherwise… this is it.” He let go of Roberts hands and stood up for a moment, hugging himself, The anger had left him now. He felt empty and clammy and sad.</p><p>Looking at Robert who was weeping silently made it infinity worse. </p><p>“I’m… I’m so sorry...” The man whispered roughly, his voice thick with emotion and pain.<br/>
</p><p>“I never should have put you through this. Even before we had kids, I...” He wiped his eyes. “When we got married, at first you were so busy so much, I figured you weren’t too bothered with me being away a lot, but… I know it changed. And I know I should have been more careful when we committed. I… You’re my husband. I love you. I shouldn’t have been so careless… I just wanted to try and provide as good a life as I could for you and the kids and now I’ve caused all this pain...” </p><p>He hugged his knees for a moment and buried his face in his hands. “I’m sorry.” He looked at Elliot directly and steadied his voice.<br/>
</p><p>“All I can say is sorry. A hundred times would not be enough. And I know its not what you want...” He looked thoughtful for a moment.<br/>
</p><p>“I vow to not go into  the mines alone anymore and to never stay out longer than 9pm anymore, unless we talk about it first. Will that…? Is that what you need? Is there more you need me to do, to say, to be?”</p><p>Elliot swallowed dryly, shaking his head. “If we can agree on this…. I think this is all I can ask of you.” He felt himself shaking again, his eyes moist. He drew closer, cupping his lovers face carefully. “But I will hold you to it. And I need you to swear to never do this to me again.”<br/>
Robert nodded, his eyes still misty. “I swear”, he whispered.</p><p>Elliot nodded again, more tears spilling from his eyes as he pulled his husband close, hugging him hard. He felt the other wince for a second before his arms slung around him too, pressing close to him, similarly shaking. “Never again. I can never lose you. Never.”<br/>
They stayed like this for some time, before hugging and crying started turning into stroking and kissing. It took some time for them to calm down fully, not to mention, a polite cough at the door and Harvey asking – thankfully from outside the door – if everything was okay.<br/>
</p><p>“Uh… Yes.” Elliot looked at Robert shyly and smiled.  “Everything's okay now Harvey, thanks.”<br/>
</p><p>“Well...uh...good. Just remember that Robert needs to not..uhm..physically exert himself. And the kids are getting restless….”</p><p> Elliot straightened his clothes and wiped his face once more. "Guess I'll better get the kids. And you should get some more rest. " He smiled a genuine smile, albeit still being a bit sad.<br/>
</p><p>Robert smiled back. "Maybe...and Elliot...?"<br/>
</p><p>"Hmm?"<br/>
</p><p>"Thank you for saving me."</p><p>They shared one more smile before Elliot left.<br/>
</p><p>His family was waiting.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This is it! This moment is the reason this entire story exists. I always felt that it must be terrifying for the spouse if the player comes home after passing out in the mine or that Harvey would call the spouse if he has to perform surgery, which is what he says when one passes out in the skull cavern. Like, seriously, why does the spouse have NOTHING to say about this?</p><p>There will actually be more to follow this, though it will not be connected to this event. I will be writing another storypart that takes place in the same general setting (ElliotxRobert, married, two kids) and probably just upload it as the next chapter. Only this time, Robert will have reason to be the mad one... we'll see when I write this.<br/>Stay crunchy!</p><p>Edit: Because I find no other good space to share it; CasualInvidia made an AMAZING mod that gives the player spouse-reactions to player-death in the mines. If you liked this story, you might like the mod too. You'll find it here: https://www.nexusmods.com/stardewvalley/mods/7493?tab=description</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Mistakes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>When some wine between friends turns into too much wine...<br/>TW: Moment that could be interpreted as rape</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Elliot still wasn’t entirely sure how it had happened.</p><p>One moment they were talking, drinking, just hanging out, and the next…</p><p> </p><p>He hugged his knees, putting his head down, unable to even finish the thought. The events kept repeating in his head like a horrible whirlwind of guilt and loss. </p><p>He’d gone to the cinema with Leah – not for the first time – and watched ‘Mysterium’ for the second time. He’d seen it with Robert the week before already and had been so enchanted by the artistic subtleties that he just had to see it again. Watching it with a fellow artist was only logical – who else to best discuss the subtle details that would only truly interest one with creative ambitions?<br/>
They had decided to watch it around noon when the theater would be mostly empty and the kids were at school, giving them ample time to discuss the movie afterwards.<br/>
</p><p>Besides, since getting married, Elliot had refrained from staying out too late with anyone but his husband.</p><p>
  <i>Robert...</i>
</p><p>Elliot tore at his hair, a small sob escaping his dry throat. He clenched his teeth, trying to steady himself, but what good would that do?! He’d messed up! He’d ruined the best thing that had ever happened to him in his life, mortally wounded the person he loved more than anyone in this world (safe for his kids, possibly).<br/>
“Why...Why did I…?!”, he mumbled to himself, shaking.</p><p>After seeing the movie, Leah had invited him for a glass of wine at her place. Why would he have objected? Before he knew Robert, he’d spend many a fine evening having a drink with Leah, lamenting the labors and pains of the art, both of them theatrically overstating how poor and starving and artistic they were, usually only to end up giggling at their own silliness.<br/>
He’d always had a good relationship with her. He just hadn’t realized how she truly saw things…</p><p>Elliot stood up, taking a deep breath. In stiff movements, he started going about the house, cleaning. He had done so every day for the past three days. Cleaning every nook and cranny, every window, cleaning the barns and the coop.<br/>
It kept him busy.<br/>
He’d paid Penny extra to keep the kids longer for the days of this week. He just couldn’t,-<br/>
Elliot closed his eyes again, willing the tears not too fall, failing. He tried to keep it in, to bury the pain, until an ugly, pained cry made its way out of his throat and he started crying, falling to his knees, burying his face as the crying fit engulfed him whole and for a moment he could do no else, but succumb to his sadness and pain.</p><p>They drank a bottle. Maybe two. He couldn’t tell anymore. While he had never been a heavy drinker, he could still usually hold his wine. But then… How had it happened? Somehow the topic had turned to sexuality. She’d talked about how, when she was in a relationship with a woman she’d sometimes still miss being with a man or vice versa and how she felt that after a couple of years, one would just want to… exercise aspects of ones self that didn’t come to pass in monogamous relationships…<br/>
And then…<br/>
<i>“I mean… you <b>must</b> know what I mean, Elliot.. You’ve been with Robert for a long time and it must’ve been forever since you got to...ya know. Touch a pair of boobs.”<br/>
He blinked at her, slowly, confused. Why would that matter? Sure, sometimes he thought of such things, but..<br/>
He loved Robert.<br/>
Being attracted to women as well was just… a thing. Something that usually only came up when Robert was away and he felt physically lonely…<br/>
Leah was looking at him with an unusual expression, strangely close to him. When had she moved to hover in front of him like that? He smelled her perfume – something flowery and fresh and quite feminine.<br/>
Leah didn’t usually wear perfume. Why use it now?<br/>
His gaze wandered over her, barely focused, her eyes, her throat.. He’d always thought that she had beautiful collarbones. So elegant and delicate…<br/>
His hand climbed up to stroke her collarbone, absentmindedly. He was slumped back in his chair, his upper shirt buttons opened to ease the heat of summer, It occurred to him, somewhere, how inappropriate it was for him to get drunk during the day like that all the while she was suddenly unbuttoning her shirt, her face reddened, her eyes molten. “Touch me, Elliot, feel me...” she took his hand from her collarbone and moved it down onto her chest.<br/>
So soft…<br/>
“Hmmm...”<br/>
He couldn’t help it. He raised another hand, enjoying the suddenly available feminine softness in his grasp. His mind felt like it had been turned off completely as he got caught up in her allure, getting up unsteady, trying to get a better grip around her.<br/>
It did feel really nice.<br/>
Through the haze he vaguely noted kissing Leah, her fruity breath around him as his hand moved to her mildly rounded hips all the while a tiny part of his brain tried to remind him that this was wrong that he needed to stop,-<br/>
And yet…</i></p><p>Much clearer was the moment afterward.<br/>
When the door opened, seemingly without warning and an all too familiar voice rang through the tiny cabin.<br/>
<i>“Leah are you home? I just wanted to drop off your,-”<br/>
The voice stopped dead in a choked cry. The door was slammed shut.</i></p><p>Elliot couldn’t stop replaying that moment in his mind. While he was hazy about how… far exactly things had progressed between him and Leah, he did remember being naked and not being able to see the door, a similarly naked Leah above him obstructing his view…</p><p>
  <i>He was shambling home in a wild panic, his shirt only half-buttoned, his hair messy and tangled. It had started to rain and by the time he reached the property of the farmland, he was soaked.<br/>
What would he say when he went inside?<br/>
He still felt Leahs touch on him, her skin on his, his hand on her breast, her mouth…<br/>
While Robert sudden appearance had sobered him up a little bit, he was still drowsy and confused. He knew his husband was angry at him and he knew he had every right to be, but it all seemed so strangely distant. Like he was looking at it all through a distant fog.<br/>
He stood in front of the door for what felt like an eternity, rain washing away more of the fog.<br/>
Finally, he forced himself to go to the door. Put in his key. Turn.<br/>
</i></p><p>
  <i>The house was cold and empty.
</i></p><p>
  <i></i>
</p><p>
  <i></i>
</p><p>
  <i><br/>
</i>
</p><p>
  <i>He walked into the house, closing the door, an uncanny feeling taking hold of him.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>All of the lights were out.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>He walked to fireplace and ran his hand through the cold ashes.</i>
</p><p><i>Something inside him felt ready to burst.</i><br/>
</p><p>
  <i>He walked into the kitchen and found a note:</i>
</p><p>
  <i>”Pick the kids up at Pennys. I won’t.”</i>
</p><p> </p><p>That had been three days ago.<br/>
Robert hadn’t come home.<br/>
Hadn’t called.<br/>
No letters.</p><p>Elliot spend his days waiting.<br/>
He got up in the mornings, fed the kids, played with them a little bit, got them to school, paid Penny some extra money so she’d keep them through the afternoon, avoiding all questions.<br/>
</p><p>He knew he looked horrible.</p><p>While he avoided the mirror, he knew his face and hair were umkempt, his clothing style shabby, his eyes would be bloodshot…</p><p>What did it matter anymore?</p><p>He spent his days cleaning the house, taking care of the farm.</p><p>He spent his nights, staring out the window. Crying.</p><p>Would Robert leave him for good?</p><p>When he returned… would it be in form of a divorce notice? Would he come to the door with a lawyer, throwing him out of the house, keeping the children with him?<br/>
</p><p>Clearly, Elliot didn’t have the means to support two growing kids.</p><p>Not that he wasn’t an unfit father anyway, selfish bastard that he was, cheating on their daddy this way. Now that his life lay in shambles, he saw all too clearly what a failure of a human he truly was.</p><p>And it had only taken two bottles of wine to show it to everyone.</p><p>He went back to the kitchen to prepare dinner for the kids. Maybe he was a lousy father, but at least his kids wouldn’t starve. Not on his watch.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Writing this really hurt and was a real tightrope-walk for me...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Progress</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Robert stared through the ceiling.<br/>He was lying on his cheap hotel bed in Grampelton, above the blankets. He had turned off the music as it had started to make him feel more sick than he felt anyway.<br/>He hadn’t eaten in three days.<br/>That moment..<br/>He couldn’t forget.<br/>As much as he tried to distract himself, he couldn’t stop thinking about it, couldn’t stop wondering about what happened, how long this had been going on, how he could have been so blind…<br/>How stupid he’d been to believe, a man like Elliot – charming, handsome, intelligent, creative - would have been satisfied being with a washed-out former Joja-Cola-operator turned farmer like himself. A goddamn freak of nature with his weird mix of gender-identety and conflicting physical attributes. Not quite man, not a woman, all boring, non-artistic freak.<br/>He rolled on his side and hugged his pillow.<br/>He knew he was wallowing in self-pity. He knew he didn’t have all the facts, didn’t know the circumstances,-<br/>But he hurt.<br/>He hurt so bad he wanted to scream.</p><p>When he had stumbled in on them…<br/>He’d been so shocked. He’d run home and all he wanted, all he needed was to get away, to flee, to be somewhere, anywhere but there…<br/>He’d grabbed a backpack, stuffed some clothes in and wrote a note. He rode his horse to Penny, paying her a little extra to keep the kids until Elliot would get them.<br/>If he didn’t feel certain about anything else, he knew the man would take care of the children at least. No matter what had happened between them, no matter what had caused this, deep down Elliot was a good man, a good father…<br/>He had to believe that. Even as the image fell apart in his head, even as all the warm memories he had of the man when they first got to know each other became tainted and dark, like it was all a lie, like the man he’d fallen in love with had never existed to begin with-<br/>Robert started sobbing again, trapped in his own cycle of misery.</p><p> </p><p>He looked into the mirror.<br/>Patchy beard. Filthy, matted hair. Bloodshot eyes. His complexion looked even paler than usual.<br/><i>no wonder the kids look at me like that...</i><br/>Taking care of that hair would take hours and energy he didn’t have.<br/><i>If it wasn’t for you two...</i><br/>He didn’t finish voicing the thought though the feeling was there. He could try to deny it, but it was there.<br/>He felt like walking into his old shack, lying onto the floor. Waiting for death. Or possibly, walking into the ocean. Was that an option? Lewis would then tell the police to find Robert, he’d be relieved to hear that the problem had solved itself and he could move back here and take care of the kids…<br/>He started crying again, silently this time. It didn’t shake him anymore when he did. The crying fits had become less frequent, less intense. Maybe he started to be out of tears after a week of being in this state. At any rate, he knew he was being pathetic.<br/>He couldn’t change what had happened.<br/>He’d cheated on Robert. <br/>It hurt to admit it, it hurt to even think about it, but it was true, no matter what.<br/>Had he ever actively thought about doing it before it happened? No.<br/>But hadn’t he willfully put his arms around her? hadn’t he willfully kissed her? caressed her? <br/>Yes, he had been drunk. No, he would never have done it while he was sober.<br/>Yes she had been almost...forcing herself on him… which disturbed him more and more, when he thought about it.<br/>But saying he had had no part in all this would be a lie.<br/>He washed his face for a bit, the clear water feeling good, albeit the act itself making him strangely more miserable. He tied his hair back and proceeded to wash himself with a washcloth and some hot water. The thought of taking a shower seemed like too much work, but he was sure he was a smelly mess at this point. <br/>The least he could do for his kids was to put on some fresh clothes and not smell like death turned over.</p><p> </p><p>Robert showered.<br/>It felt dreadful.<br/>He didn’t want to be clean, or freshly dressed, or leaving this room. He wanted to lie on the mattress, caked in sweat and tears, wallowing in his pain and his grief and all the self-pity he could find. He wanted to just be a miserable pile of nothing until the end of time.<br/>But what good would that do anyone?<br/>His kids needed him.<br/>Hell.</p><p>Elliot needed him.</p><p>Robert hated himself and Elliot for feeling this way, but the fact of the matter was… he didn’t actually know what had happened to make this...happen. But he knew what it would do to Elliot. In his heart of hearts, he knew that the man he married had – at least at one point – loved him. And he knew the man was far too emotional to deal well with this kind of…<br/>...this kind of break-up.<br/>And he still loved him way too much to just let things remain like this much longer. If it would end their marriage to have the conversation they needed to have, then…<br/>The tears fell again. He angrily smeared them away, willing himself to be stern, to be strong.<br/><i>My family needs me.</i></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Worries</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Rasmodius tapped on the energy meter but it wouldn’t budge.</p><p>“Hrmpf. Its gone down but the presence hasn’t quite left the valley yet. Its just not putting as much energy anymore.”</p><p>“Why do you think its here?”</p><p>“I don’t know. Usually, if something like this happens, it takes the form of a creature or a trickster which proceeds to attack, well, me.”</p><p>“You, hm?”</p><p>“Well, or you, occasionally.”</p><p>Marlon nodded, satisfied that their threat-level towards the unseemly creatures had been clarified. “Can you track it?”</p><p>“Not yet… I might be, if the energy builds up again. Which it will, if it want’s to attack. Only...”</p><p>Marlon rolled his eyes as the Wizard waited for a few seconds without continuing his sentence before dutifully asking “Only <i>what</i>”?</p><p>“Only-” Rasmodius turned around with mild grandeur, enjoying himself a little bit too much “it must have already attacked! The signatures are clear. It did something big that cost a lot of energy and now it lies dormant. Which means… Neither of us are the target.”</p><p> </p><p>---------.........-------------</p><p>Robert arrived in town early. He’d only been gone a little over a week, yet the town felt strange and uncanny, like he hadn’t been there in years. He made his way through town, slowly. It was still dark, the late autumn sun still hiding behind a fleet of clouds and the surrounding mountains.</p><p>He was terrified to run into Elliot out here.</p><p>It was pretty much impossible. His husband wasn’t in the habit of walking around this area much and it was extremely early in the morning. The man was an early riser, sure, but so were their kids.<br/>
Robert quietly walked to the center of the town. He went to the saloon and looked at his watch. If Gus hadn’t gotten up by himself, he definitely wouldn’t ring him out of bed just to open up. The bartender had been forthcoming enough, agreeing to provide him a guest room for the time being without telling anyone. If he had overslept after probably tending the bar till well after midnight,-<br/>
The door opened. Gus looked at him tiredly, a night cap on his head, wearing striped pajamas. “Come in, Robert, come in.” He yawned, opening the door wide. “Good to see you, young man, good to see you.” He pressed a key into his hand and motioned towards the back of the saloon.</p><p>They trotted through the corridor, Gus still yawning. When they reached the room, Gus rubbed his eyes a moment and looked at him directly for the first time this morning, clearly taking in the beard stubble and bloodshot eyes. “Look, Robert, Its really none of my business and I have no idea what happened, but...” he hesitated. “I know Elliot loves you. Without you, he’s lost. Now I don’t know why and for how long you want to stay here – and you can stay as long as you want – but…” he rubbed his face for a moment. “I just… I hope you two work it out. That's all I wanted to say. Have a good stay, okay? If you need anything, just let me know...” he hesitated a moment. “but maybe, after nine, okay? I need some more sleep.”<br/>
Robert nodded. He’d nodded to everything Gus had said, his teeth clenching, his eyes watering as he tried to keep composure. He barley managed a mumbled “Thank you, Gus.”, before he had to turn around as the tears fell again.<br/>
He went into the room and hugged himself, dropping his backpack next to the door before leaning onto it, slowly gliding to the floor.<br/>
This would be hard.</p><p> </p><p>--------..........------------</p><p>Leah sat on her bed in her cottage. Her hair was messy and tangled, her clothes stale and worn.<br/>
Her eyes were closed.<br/>
She was waiting.</p><p>...............,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,............</p><p> </p><p>Elliot woke up confused. Like every morning, he instantly touched the empty side of their bed, the pit in his stomach opening like a chasm of ice.</p><p>Every morning.</p><p>He sighed and got dressed, trying to focus on making breakfast, ignoring the overbearing worry that had started to fill him since the day before.<br/>
It had been over a week since Robert had left. He had not heard from him. In part, he’d at least expected a hurtful letter accusing him of lying to his husband from day one, a phone call informing him that divorce was coming… an inquiry how their kids were doing. Something! Anything!<br/>
At this point, he was worried the man had just stepped in front of a train to end it all. He didn’t want to believe that – Robert wasn’t the kind of person to succumb to such thoughts easily – but he still couldn’t help but check the news each day for… incidents… in the area.</p><p> </p><p>He walked the kids to school, pondering if he should talk to Lewis, explain the situation and ask him to make a few inquiry's in other towns, discreetly. He knew the other people in town had started noticing Roberts absence as well as his own.. decline in appearance. He still hadn’t found the energy to shave and while the beard was starting to look mildly less patchy, it still made him feel like a homeless junkie. At least the kids thought it was funny.<br/>
As he walked through the square he felt a strange sensation in the back of his neck. He turned, looking around, half-expecting to find somebody staring at him, but everyone seemed to be going about their business as usual.<br/>
<i>I must’ve imagined it…</i></p><p>-----------..........---------</p><p> </p><p>Robert sank to the floor, his heart threatening to jump out of his throat.<br/>
He hadn't even meant to spy on Elliot. He had just been looking out the window through the curtains, mindful to remain hard to see so the villagers wouldn’t notice him, when <i>he’d</i> walked into the square, one kid on each hand. Robert had been transfixed to see him. Obviously, this was the time of day to bring the kids to the library to study with Penny, but somehow, he still hadn’t been prepared to see him here…<br/>
Robert shook mildly, trying to remain hidden. He crouched down to be even less noticeable, watching as his husband moved closer.<br/>
His heart ached as the man came into better view.<br/>
Elliot looked worse than he’d ever seen him. Paler, strangely thinner, his eyes sunken. His beautiful hair was tucked together in a messy ponytail, looking like it was beginning to stick together. The strangest thing was the week-old beard he was sporting – a messy uneven mass of brown-reddish hair sticking just about into every direction.<br/>
The kids looked fine. While they didn’t seem overtly joyful to go to pre-school – when did they ever? They were dressed cleanly and looked healthy.<br/>
Suddenly Elliot looked into his direction. Robert ducked behind the window, covering on the floor. Had he seen him?! He couldn’t have, right? While they had to talk, this surely wasn’t the right setting to do it – especially not with the kids around. Though maybe he should check on them first before seeing his husband.</p><p>It would make it easier to keep composure without being drained down by however their talk would work out,<br/>
He decided to wait for 40 minutes. Walking to the library and dropping the kids off might take 20 minutes. By waiting 40, Elliot would have ample time to return back home.<br/>
If he went back home after then, that was. If he went shopping or to see Willy, it would take longer.</p><p>
  <i>But I can’t stay cooped up in here forever… if I run into him before I’m ready, then… then thats what happens...</i>
</p><p>He tried to reason with himself to get dressed and leave the room, but though he was putting on his coat he was still terrified.<br/>
He knew it was the fear of his marriage to end, once and for all. He’d tried to imagine what future that would be.</p><p>Him living alone with his kids in that big house. </p><p>Elliot probably living back at the sea. </p><p>Awkward visits. Lonely nights.<br/>
He couldn’t bear the thought.</p><p> </p><p>He tried to look casual as he entered the library. He’d been spying through the windows for some time to make sure Elliot was gone but than he’d become entranced watching his children talk, laugh and learn with the others.<br/>
Finally, he entered the building and walked over.</p><p>“Why, good morning everyone.”<br/>
“DADDDYYY!” The kids jumped up as soon as they saw him, running over in the speed that only toddlers could manage. Robert crouched down, hugging both of them hard, pressing a kiss to each of their foreheads. “Hey you two.. Hey.. I missed you too...so...so much”<br/>
“Daddy where were you?! Papah was so sad all the time! And I build a little house I need to show you!”, Ayleen said, both demanding and excited. Robert nodded to both things, trying to contain his emotions as his heart suddenly spilled over in happiness and hope, a weary, fearful hope, but nevertheless...maybe things were going to work out. He pressed another kiss to his older kids cheek. “I’ll be happy to see what you build, Ayleen, I’m just not sure… if we’ll be able to do that today.”<br/>
“BUT DADDY!”<br/>
“Soon, sweetie, soon.” He turned his attention to his son, Ephraim, who had just been staring at him with big eyes, looking like a puppy, not saying anything. Robert hesitantly let go of Ayleen to give the boy his full attention, hugging him again, holding him close. “I’m sorry I was away so suddenly. But I’m here now. I don’t… know if you’ll see me at home tonight, but I will be close by.-”<br/>
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU’RE NOT GOING HOME?!” Ayleen always had been a child with powerful lungs and right now, Robert felt like they were blowing his ears off. He took a moment to acknowledge Penny who was still sitting at the table with Jas and Vincent, all of them looking confused and concerned. Robert nodded to her apologetically and turned back to the kids. “Okay, okay… how about this… I will see both of you this afternoon and then we’ll see, okay?” He looked from one to the other. “Can we do that, Ephraim?” The boy nodded, not looking up anymore.<br/>
“Can you say it?”<br/>
“...yes daddy...”, the boy mumbled.<br/>
“Can you look at me too when you say it?” He gave the kid a kiss to his forehead. Ephraim looked up shyly and nodded.<br/>
“Okay. Good enough for me. Ayleen? I will see you this afternoon, okay?” He looked at her earnestly, a  six-year-old with the lung power to move a mountain. She made a face and nodded, then looked down. “Daddy… Are you mad at Papah?” She still looked down and he sighed quietly.<br/>
“Yes. A little. But… We’ll figure it out, okay?” He stroked her cheek and her hair, leading both of them back to the table slowly, his arms on their shoulders.<br/>
“Sorry to bring this drama to you here, Penny.” he smiled at her genuinly, though he couldn’t quite hide the cold sadness spreading through him, threatning to swallow him yet again. She nodded. “Vincent and Jas, read the text on page 48, please. Ayleen and Ephraim, I want you to start looking at this picture and think about why the ducks on one side are all the same colour while the others look differently. I’ll be right back.”<br/>
She got up and motioned him to go behind some of the bookshelves.<br/>
Robert stroked both his childrens heads one more moment. “I’ll see you later, kids” ...and followed her behind the shelf.</p><p>Penny looked at him a moment, that same expression of concern he’d seen on Gus’ face.<br/>
“I’m fine.” He mumbled, a little annoyed how much spotlight their ‘dispute’ was starting to draw.<br/>
“Are you? Because you certainly don’t look ‘fine’. You looked like death the night you left and you look like death warmed over now. Not to mention, Elliot. I’ve never seen him look so bad – the first few days he barely even dressed for the weather. What on Earth happened?!”<br/>
Robert was antsy. He looked around, hoping noone had heard them, unwillig to discuss it.<br/>
“Look, I...” He rubbed his forehead, annoyed. “I can’t...talk about it. Right now. Okay? I need to...resolve this. When I know where we’ll stand, you’ll be the first to know..propably. Okay?”<br/>
She looked at him doubtful, uneasy. “You’re not splitting up, are you? The kids have been very on edge this week and Elliot paid me extra to keep them longer too...”</p><p>Robert looked down. He couldn’t meet her eyes anymore, so he just shrugged.</p><p>“Oh Robert… that bad?!”</p><p>He shrugged again, willing himself to keep his composure. “We’ll see.” he looked at her. “The kids will always have a good home, don’t worry. We just have to… figure out where we stand.” With that, he nodded his thanks and took the long way around to through the shelves. He apologized to Gunther for disturbing the peace of the museum and started on his way… home.</p><p> </p><p>-----------........------------</p><p>Leah stood up. Her eyes opened. She put on her shoes, leaving the house, walking. She passed Marnies ranch and the other two houses, taking a left turn and another left, the long way around to get towards the edge of Roberts farm. At the bus stop, she stopped, standing on the path.<br/>
Waiting.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Darkness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: vague; suicide-attempts</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>With each step he took towards his grandfathers old house, his heart grew heavier.</p><p>He wasn’t quite sure if he wanted Elliot to be home or not.</p><p>His heart ached to see him. Yes, it would be sad and painful and might end up with them splitting for good – a thought that made him move even slower – but he would see him and maybe get some answers at least. He walked down the pass towards the bus stop when he saw a figure leaving his property in his direction.</p><p>He froze.</p><p>Leah looked a bit dishevelled, her hair a mess, her clothes worn. She was slowly making her way towards him, the last person on earth he wanted to see right now…</p><p>...coming from his land. </p><p>Probably out of his house. </p><p>He felt his blood rise, cold fury scorching his mind, fists clenching, jaw tight.<br/>
As she approached, she gave him a curious look “Oh, Robert. I didn’t think I’d see you here...” She yawned. “I must say, I was always curious… but why didn’t you ever tell me Elliot was such a beast in bed?”</p><p>Robert felt like throwing up. What was happening? What was she doing here, why was she saying this?<br/>
Was this… did this mean…?<br/>
He couldn’t get out the words. He just stared at her, shaking.<br/>
“I mean, I was still sore from last night but that sure didn’t stop him this morning...”<br/>
She gave him a lascivious look and walked past him. “See you around, Robert… See you around...”</p><p>Robert stood on the path, shaking, his insides burning, screaming, conflicting thoughts and emotions waging a terrible war. Denial, Anger, sadness, images and sounds- his mind conjured up images of them fucking in any corner of their house, Elliot saying how good it felt to finally be with a woman again, Elliot being happy that he had left, wishing he would never return,-</p><p>He threw up over the hedge at the bus stop, collapsing beside the hedge. He buried his head in his knees, a crying fit starting to take hold over him as the bile was still dripping from his mouth.</p><p>He’d <i>seen</i> Elliot earlier..<br/>
He hadn’t looked like he spent his days fucking around or being in any way happy..<br/>
The images in his head wouldn’t disappear. Endlessly tormenting him with what might have been.<br/>
There was no reason for Leah to lie, was there?</p><p>Gus and Penny had seemed very concerned, very convinced that… that he was missed. That noone was glad he was gone. The kids too seemed an indicator of that.<br/>
But what if he had been deceiving all of them? </p><p>
  <i>But to what end? What could he ever hope to gain from this?</i>
</p><p>Robert stared into the grass, wiping his face, calming down.</p><p>
  <i>Who do you really believe? Your husband and partner of 8 years or a woman who might just be out to steal your family?<br/>
Yes, he messed up, but… You won’t know how bad, till you see him...</i>
</p><p>But what had she been doing here?</p><p>----------..........------------</p><p>Elliot came out of the coop, cradeling a few eggs and a duck feather. He hadn’t gotten one in over a month and getting one right now made him even more emotional.<br/>
It was the first gift Robert had given him, years ago when they first gotten to know each other. At first, Robert hadn’t even had any animals. When Elliot mentioned how he loved colorful feathers, his then just-acquaintance had immediately begun making plans to get a duck. When he presented Elliot with the first beautiful feather, Elliot’d been smitten.<br/>
All this work for some weird pompous writer, living by the sea…</p><p>He plopped the eggs down on the terrace table they kept in front of the house and turned the feather in his hand, watching the sunlight get caught in its fine layers when he heard steps approaching slowly.<br/>
As he turned, he suddenly felt his heart clench.<br/>
Robert stood at the edge of the land, looking at him. Apparently he’d stopped when Elliot had turned because now he stood like a statue, unmoving.<br/>
Relief and terror and love and fear flooded every center of his being. He wanted to cry and laugh and most of all hug Robert and never let him go again.<br/>
Instead he started walking over on clammy legs, unsure how this would turn out. He still kept the feather in his hand, a reminder of happier days he did not wish to part with. </p><p> </p><p>They stared at each other, wordlessly. Robert didn’t quite know where to start. He had expected Elliot to speak first. Had hope, an apology would be forthcoming, just...anything. But the man stared at him with his huge green eyes like he was seeing things. “I...” He stopped, clearing his throat quietly. “I’m… relieved that you’re safe.” He said very quietly. It wasn’t quite what he had expected or hoped to hear but at least he wasn’t openly hostile towards him. Robert waited, looking at him curiously if he had to say anything for himself.<br/>
“I...” he sighed, looking down, his hands opening and closing. “Won’t you come inside? Talking like this, seems… inadequate.” Robert nodded, feeling oddly numb. The situation was surreal. He didn’t quite know what he had expected to happen when they saw each other again, but it wasn’t… it wasn’t as quiet as this was.<br/>
They entered the house, Robert noting how squeaky clean everything was. Apparently, Elliot hadn’t had his grievances keep him from cleaning. His still-husband closed the door behind himself carefully, each motion strangely stiff and measured. “Would you like some tea?”</p><p>Robert looked down, taking a breath.</p><p>There was no use talking around this.</p><p>“How long have you been sleeping with her?”</p><p>Elliot deflated immediately, leaning onto the kitchen counter to steady himself. “I… I don’t think I have done so. At all.” He almost whispered, looking at him sheepishly. Robert couldn’t stop a bitter laugh. “Didn’t EXACTLY look like you weren’t! I don’t know what you think I saw, but you guys being in bed naked is still a pretty clear image in my mind!”<br/>
“I know!” Elliot started shaking, his mouth a thin line as he fought himself. “I don’t know what happened! I,-” His voice was shaking. He failed to steady himself and slid to the ground, burying his face in his hands before looking up again. “I… messed up. And I will never forgive myself. I understand if you don’t either. But I’m… almost sure we didn’t sleep together.”<br/>
“What does that mean, you aren’t… you aren’t sure...” Robert didn’t like this statement. He didn’t like the situation as a whole, his innards crying to both yell at the man as well as hug and comfort him.</p><p>But not knowing what exactly happened? It wasn’t what he’d expected to hear…</p><p>“I… I got drunk. We went to the movie, then to her place, we shared, maybe two bottles of wine? Maximum! But for some reason I got so fuzzy and,- and...”</p><p>Robert sat on the floor across from him. A cold fear dripped through him, slicing him up from the inside.<br/>
“What happened then?”<br/>
Elliot looked at him concerned for a moment. “I don’t want you thinking that I’m trying to say I’m blameless.” His voice went a bit steadier, a strange sliver of his pride resurfacing. “I… I cheated on you.” He looked him in the eye. “What I did is despicable and I deserve nothing less but to be...punished. In whichever way you see fit. I owe you honesty and to take whatever judgement you lay a my feet.”<br/>
Robert looked at him, thoughtful.<br/>
All this was so strange.<br/>
Not at all what he had thought it would be. Elliot didn’t sound like someone who had <i>wanted</i> to cheat…</p><p>“Elliot… What exactly did you do?”</p><p>“I… we were talking about sexuality for some reason. She sort of… implied that I should be missing to be with a woman when I’d been with a man for so many years now...”<br/>
“Do you?”<br/>
“No!” he looked genuinely offended. “All I could think was… how stupid that was. And that I..that...” he looked down, sadly. “All I could think was, that I love you and what a strange thing to say that was for her...” he kept his eyes down. “And then she… uhm… opened her shirt suddenly, and kinda… put my hand on her chest. And that's kinda when I gave into ...uhm...baser impulses.”<br/>
Robert gave a deep sigh but nodded. “When does it get fuzzy?”<br/>
“I uhm… “<br/>
“Elliot… I don’t WANT to know these details. But I have to understand.. what happened. If you were manipulated or,-”<br/>
Elliot looked down uncomfortable.<br/>
“I… I love you, Robert. And a part of me wishes to tell you anything that might make you think that I was just being manipulated, but the truth of the matter is, that I should have been more loyal. I… I willingly put my hands on her chest, I willingly kissed her… I don’t know what happened after that point.”</p><p>Robert put his head down, pulling at his own hair, thinking. </p><p>“How do you feel about what happened?”</p><p>“I’m disgusted with myself. I’m… I cannot fathom what came over me, how I could...why I didn’t just walk out, walk home where I belonged, how I could even get so drunk that I lost control.. frankly, I still don’t understand how I could get so drunk from this amount of wine.”</p><p>Robert nodded thoughtfully.</p><p>“I saw Leah on my way here.”</p><p>“You did?!”</p><p>Robert nodded again, watching him for his reaction. “She said uhm...”he tried to stay calm but the anger and the sickness boiled over again when he thought about the look on her face. He cleared his throat. “She… er… pretty much said she was, well...fucking you day and night while I was gone.”</p><p>“She WHAT?!” Elliot reached out to grab his arm, making Robert look at him. “She said…?! Did I hear you right?!”</p><p>“She said… “ his voice got thinner. Repeating this felt like it made it more real, made any of this true… “...that she was still sore from last night and that that hadn’t stopped you this morning.”</p><p>“How could she?! What?! What?!” He tore at his messy hair, then looked at Robert, his face pleading. He moved forward on his knees, grasping Roberts hand. “I know you’re hurt. I don’t know if you can ever forgive me. But you have to believe me, please! Nothing happened beyond that horrible day a week ago. I hadn’t seen her since than and I wasn’t going to until I had at least seen you.”</p><p>Robert pulled his hand away, trying to ignore the small whine from his husband at the movement. “I don’t… I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know if I can trust you again.”</p><p>Elliot stared at him. Something in his eyes changed, broke. Like a light dimming out with one last sad blink. He looked down and sighed, still on his knees. “I… I understand. I… “ his voice was small and thin. “Have you... thought about… what you want me to do?” Tears dropped from his face to the ground. He wiped them with the back of his hand. “Like… do you want me to… to move out, or…?!”</p><p> </p><p>A knock at the door prevented any answer. They exchanged a look before Elliot wiped his face again, getting the door. He felt empty and sad and really didn’t want to talk to anyone, but they could hardly pretend they weren’t home. As he opened the door, he found Marlon as well as the Wizard who promptly started moving some kind of crystal in front of his face.</p><p>“Uhm...Hello, er, Mr. Rasmodius, wasn’t it? And hello Marlon. Is there a reason you’re holding a crystal in my face?”</p><p>The wizard nodded but didn’t look at him. “Yes, yes, Hello Elliot… yes… interesting.”</p><p>Marlon looked from the crystal to Elliot, an inquisitive look on his face.</p><p>Rasmodius grinned and put the crystal back into his pocket.  “Yes indeed, it appears you are quite tainted, Elliot.”</p><p>“I’m.. what?”</p><p>“Yes, yes, you have absorbed dark essence and have become a bit corrupted.” He looked at him unworried, than added “nothing too serious. Just a real pain in interpersonal relationships. Or so I’ve heard. Been at the bus stop today, by any chance?”</p><p>Elliot blinked. He didn’t really know much about anything these people usually worked with and felt out of his depth. What did he mean when he said ‘tainted’?</p><p>“I’m… Well, yes, briefly, this morning.”</p><p>“Anything happen while you were there? Anything unusual? Perhaps an animal or some other creature,-”</p><p>“No.” He looked from one to the other, confused and upset. Here he was, having the most heart-wrenching and important discussion with his possible-soon-to-be-ex-husband and those two goofs had to do their strange magical mumbo-jumbo right here,-</p><p>“And if you don’t mind, I’m actually quite busy, so,-”</p><p>“Hold on, hold on young man.” Rasmodius put one foot into the door as Elliot was about to close it. “You don’t want that essence kept within you. It will poison everything you love.”</p><p>“I don’t.- I,-” why was his head suddenly spinning? Everything told him to get away from these two, that they would bring harm to him, that he had to,-<br/>
Robert appeared next to him without warning.</p><p> </p><p>“Marlon. Rasmodius. Whats going on?”</p><p>The wizard got out his crystal again, moving it up and down in front of him. “Interesting. You’re even more tainted. Were you at the bus-stop today, Robert?”</p><p>He nodded.</p><p>“And did anything unusual happen?”</p><p>Robert breathed in deeply, trying to keep calm. How many times would he have to keep repeating that horrible moment?</p><p>“I… ran into Leah. Who told me some.. unpleasant things.”</p><p>“Hmm. Was she acting different than usual?”</p><p>Robert stared at him, feeling like ‘unusual’ was hardly cutting it.</p><p>“You could say that. Would you two now PLEASE explain whats going on? You know I’m always happy to help but we’re kinda in the middle of an important...talk… okay?” He felt strangely aggravated. Not just because he was interrupted having a possibly marriage-ending talk but just at these two personally. Always scheming, talking secrets, acting like they knew everything about the arcane world. Those damned arrogant fools...</p><p>Marlon nodded. “Yes. We are sorry to disturb you. But its important that we make sure those energy's don’t harm,-”</p><p>“Well, I don’t care right now! I got more important things to do than take care of any more adventure-guild nonsense!” Robert tried getting Rasmodius foot out of the door but Marlon started shoving against it to push it open further. The wizard took out a large silver pentacle, spun it once against itself and started spinning it on its chain, chanting a few strange syllables. White fog started trailing around it.</p><p>“What are you doing?! Get out!” He hadn’t noticed when Elliot had vanished but he wasn’t here to help him now as Marlon pushed him to the wall with surprising speed while Rasmodius kept whirling his stupid magic glow ball, talking nonsense and,-</p><p>As the wizard stuck the pentacle to Roberts forehead, all anger seemed to drain out of him. A strange, squeezing feeling made his lungs act up and he started coughing, Marlon still holding him near the wall  but with a lot less force than before. He gagged for a moment before coughing out a weird black phlegm into a tissue the wizard handed to him.</p><p>“What… what the hell just happened?!” He was breathing hard, his mind suddenly much clearer than before.</p><p>“Its a dark phlegm. Dark essence, pretty much. Like the one the shadow people leave behind.”</p><p>“Why was that inside me?” He blinked, than looked around, alarmed. “You said Elliot had it too?!”</p><p>Rasmodius began spinning his pentacle again. “We have to find him, quickly. Your reaction just now? That was the early fail-safe when the phlegm is found. If Elliot didn’t get it today, his reaction might be worse,-”</p><p>They ran through the house, trying to find him, Marlon checking the wine cellar and Rasmodius Ephraims room while Robert went upstairs. He let out a yelp as he found Elliot in the bedroom, staring into nothing, an open box cutter in his hand, hovering above his wrist. “ELLIOT!” He rushed forward, trying to push the knife out of his hands but he held against it, trying to cut into his wrist still. “Stop it...Stop it!” Robert desperately tried getting the cutter away but they were of similar strength and Elliot seemed determined to hurt himself. Marlon and Rasmodius came rushing in, Marlon crashing into them, pushing Elliot backwards, pinning him to the floor where he still resisted physically but continued his silence. With Marlons help, Robert finally wrestled the knife away from the man when Rasmodius stopped his chanting, knelt down and pressed the pentacle to Elliots forehead. He started violently thrashing but they kept pressure on his shoulders even as he began to whine in a strange, high-pitched sound.</p><p>Elliot came to when the coughing started. He felt like waking violently from a deep slumber, shaken with a terrible cough and feeling like something was squeezing deep inside of him, writhing and wriggling. Someone set him up to help him cough and it got worse. He started coughing up giant phlegm's, staining his fingers black. He felt sick, sicker than he had in a long time, sicker than last week,  when all he’d wanted was to finally die and be done with it. He felt like falling into nothingness when he shook again and a giant <i>glob</i> left his mouth with a disgusting, <i>glorping</i> sound.<br/>
The cloud in his head lifted slowly. Someone was wiping his face with a tissue, but the room only slowly stopped spinning. A strong, familiar arm kept him sitting up, otherwise he’d might just have collapsed again…</p><p>“What…?” his voice was rough, mangled form the coughing. “What just happened?!!” He looked at the Wizard who was crouching in front of him, pocketing something just now, getting up. </p><p>“You had a dark essence in you. A harmful influence some creature must have laid onto you, eating at your very soul.”</p><p>Elliot felt his hand being squeezed and looked to his left.<br/>
The remaining darkness vanished.<br/>
Robert was by his side, one arm slung around his back, the other holding his hand and for a moment, nothing else seemed to matter.</p><p>“I hate to rush you when you’re only just coming out of this, but we must know how this happened!”</p><p>Elliot's gaze wandered again, tired of finding new people in his bedroom. Marlon was crouching to his other side, a large hunting knife in his hand.</p><p>Elliot looked up at him confused. What was dark essence anyway?</p><p>Robert chimed in. “How should we know how he got it? How did you even know I had it?”</p><p>“Because of the energy. I first noticed it when it spiked, some 8 days ago, but I couldn’t catch it then, it dispersed too quickly. After that, it lay dormant so I couldn’t make It out until now...”</p><p>“8 days… It must’ve been Leah too. He was out with Leah and I know she… she did something to him.”</p><p>Marlon nodded, somewhat knowingly. “Then we better go see her.” He got up, giving the pair of them one last look. “I don’t know happened between the two of you, but… try to understand that both of you were under the influence of dark powers. Elliot probably got it worse because he has no experience in interacting with the unseemly.” He stuck his knife back into his jacket. “If you’ll forgive my bluntness... its surprising he didn’t kill himself while you were out of town, Robert. Now again, I don’t know what happened and I’m not saying forgive and forget, I’m just saying… take it into consideration. I’ll let you know tomorrow what happened with Leah.”</p><p>They nodded their goodbyes and left them alone.</p><p>Elliot looked at Robert tiredly and tried to steady his breath for a moment.<br/>
Then he fell on his back again, collapsing.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Waking</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Elliot collapsed, Robert’d become frantic. </p><p>Was he still infected? Had the process damaged him? Was he going to be okay? </p><p>He shook him for a moment but he stayed non-responsive, twitching. </p><p>Robert rushed to the phone, calling Dr. Harvey to come by, and...waited. He knew he wasn’t supposed to move an unresponsive person, but having him lie on the ground like that drove him nuts.<br/>
He grabbed a pillow and a blanket, tucking his husband in as well as he could. He opened the upper buttons of his shirt collar and tried taking the pulse again but he was to anxious and couldn’t make it out-</p><p>At least, that's what he kept telling himself.</p><p>Of course he still had a pulse, of course….</p><p>The essence hadn’t gotten him that bad, that… that…</p><p> </p><p>
  <i>“I’m surprised he didn’t kill himself while you were out of town.”</i>
</p><p> </p><p>Robert buried his head in his hands, guilt rushing into him with the realization how far he had been tricked. How far the consequences of his actions had gotten.</p><p>When he had signed up to fight darkness and help protect the valley, he knew he was putting his life on the line. He tried not telling Elliot how close it had come sometimes, how terrible some of the creatures they were fighting were, - the ice skeletons, the shadow brutes…</p><p>He’d never thought his actions would result in his family becoming a target. And he felt foolish for not thinking so before. But how should he have known?! They were all monsters, they never seemed organized!</p><p> </p><p>
  <i>But why else should he of all people be manipulated in this way? This whole thing is far too perfectly set up to destroy me to be a coincidence…</i>
</p><p> </p><p>He looked at Elliot, lying there motionless, barely breathing, his face twisted in some unseen pain.</p><p>“I’m sorry.. I’m so sorry...” Robert kissed the mans forehead, trying to hold back tears. The more time passed since the shadow had lifted from his mind, the more the reality of what had happened made itself clear to him. It sickened him what they had done to his husband.</p><p> </p><p>Robert jumped when the doorbell rang. He jumped down the stairs, opening the door, blabbering, pointing upstairs. “Hello Robert.” Harvey came in, calmly, walking up the stairs at even pace. In the back of his mind, the farmer knew that there was a rule among doctors and paramedics not to rush as they couldn’t help anyone if they stumbled and broke their neck,-</p><p>But at this moment he went near insane watching Harvey walk up the stairs in an even (though, not that slow) pace. His husband was DYING! Couldn’t the man rush, just once?!?!</p><p> </p><p>
  <i>….and its all my fault.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Its all my fault! I should have considered that things might come after him, come after me… Oh god, what about the kids?! Could they be infected?!</i>
</p><p>Robert tried to calm down, walking after Harvey, standing next to him anxiously as he started examining the patient.</p><p>“Hm. What happened before this?” Harvey started by checking the breathing, blood pressure, pulse...</p><p>“Er… Immediately before? Marlon and I were pinning him down because… because he was mind controlled and then the wizard pressed a glowing something on his head to make the dark essence leave him. Then he coughed up a lot of dark essence before being himself for a moment. A few minutes later he just kinda fell back and wouldn’t respond to anything anymore. I tried to shake him back to conscious-nous, but… nothing.”</p><p>Harvey nodded along as it was seemingly not that unusual, opening Elliots shirt, pinning electrodes down. He stared onto a small monitor for a moment, then a paper slip came out which he studied another moment.</p><p>“Hm. So far so good.” Harvey didn’t look to worried.</p><p>“What does that mean?!”</p><p>“Well.. he didn’t hit his head or anything, right?”</p><p>“No, he didn’t..:”</p><p>“And he’s had a very stressful week, hasn’t he? Not to put too fine a point on it, but I do hear things sometimes and his vital signs clearly indicate a heightened amount of stress…”</p><p>“Y-yeah...”</p><p>Harvey nodded. “Look, if you want to be 100% sure, we’d have to get him to the hospital and do an MRI and everything… But at this time I’m reasonably sure.. that he’s asleep.”</p><p>Robert blinked. “He… but...”</p><p>“Yeah, its unusual, but from what you're describing it sounds to me like he was overcome with physical and emotional exhaustion, both worsened by his lack of sleep – and when his mind – probably subconsciously – saw a chance for a secure environment, it took the chance and made him sleep. Still. Call me again if you still can’t wake him in 80 minutes. That's when the first sleep cycle should end.”</p><p>Robert nodded his thanks and asked him to charge him via bill while Harvey let himself out.</p><p>Robert stared at the clock.</p><p>80 minutes…</p><p> </p><p>He’d moved Elliot onto the bed carefully, taking off his black-stained-shirt and covering him up. He held on to one of his hands, keeping it in both of his own, occasionally kissing it.</p><p>He tried keeping his crying down, wondering how much the man would remember.</p><p>From what he had said while still being under the influence, it didn’t sound like he had been… abused...that far…</p><p><i>Well, how far is ‘that far’ anyway?</i> He felt the anger boil up within himself again, the naked desperateness and self-hate he felt towards himself now.</p><p><i>Giving how this happened… its likely he was drugged out of his mind. They undressed him and...and…</i><br/>
He fought the urge to throw up, to scream, to cry- tears streaming down his face as he kissed Elliots hand again.<br/>
<i>And then they made him think he cheated on me. Bad enough I was thinking it… But I had it coming! He never hurt anybody! He never fought the shadow people, he had nothing to do with this conflict! He’s innocent of it all… And they hurt him so much…</i></p><p>Robert hoped so much that the man wouldn’t remember much of what had happened. Yes, a part of him still felt jealous, still thought of that moment as a violation of his trust, still burned with jealousy at the physical circumstances of it.</p><p>But it didn’t matter. In his mind and in his heart of hearts, he knew… Elliot had had no control over this.</p><p> </p><p>Elliot woke slowly. Half-asleep, he dreamt Robert being back with him, kissing his cheek, his throat, the small nook between his eye and nose, his calloused hand stroking the side of his face, combing through his hair as the man whispered soft nothings to rouse him from his sleep.<br/>
Elliot couldn’t help letting out a pained whimper. He didn’t want to wake from this! He knew he was on the edge of consciousness, but he didn’t want to leave this dream- too harsh his fear of being awake, too terrible the knowledge that once he woke, Robert would be gone and he’d be alone in a cold bed, in a house too big for a single father with his kids…<br/>
But as soon as he’d made the noise, the touching retreated, the voice stopped and he felt his eyes grow wet again as he drowsily cursed himself for waking up. He curled up, sadness over-spilling. He didn’t want to reach out, didn’t want to feel the emptiness like he did every morning, didn’t want to get up to make breakfast for the kids, he just wanted this to end, he just wanted his husband back,-<br/>
“Don’t leave me...”, he murmured, fully knowing it was too late, all to aware that he couldn’t go back to that horrible beautiful dream that tormented him every night.<br/>
“Sssssshh...It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m here.” The hand was back on his face, another one carefully lifting the his right hand, soft lips on his fingers.<br/>
Elliot opened his eyes almost shocked, his jaw clenched, unbelieving,-</p><p>Robert looked at him, clear blue eyes shining, kissing his hand. “I’m here. You’re okay. You’re okay.”</p><p>Elliot stared at him, his head still fuzzy. He raised his hand bleary, touching the mans face, gouging if he was real until it hit him that he was and he couldn’t hold onto himself anymore. He let go of his hand and pulled him down with both arms, hugging him hard, crying still. “Y-You’re...Y-You’re here...”<br/>
Robert shifted his weight around and came to lie beside him, holding onto him still. “Yes. I’m here. I’m here, okay?”<br/>
Elliot started kissing him, still groggy but desperate to be close, rubbing his face against the other’s, touching and stroking his back, his face, his hair, getting lost in holding onto those strong shoulders, unwilling to let go again. He felt Robert shake in his arms suddenly, hot tears dripping from the mans face onto his own.<br/>
“No, no, no...” Elliot mumbled, uncertain what had happened, only knowing somewhere within the shades of his mind that it had to have something to do with him, that he must’ve hurt him, that…</p><p>He tried kissing the tears away but Robert suddenly hugged him so hard that it took his breath away for a moment. “I’m so glad that you#re okay! I’m so sorry Eli! I’m… I’m just so sorry!”<br/>
Elliot stared at him confused. He couldn’t tell what had happened between them. Everything was a confusing mess, his mind so off that it actually made him physically sick. He vaguely remembered making a mistake. He remembered Robert leaving him.</p><p> </p><p>Alone.</p><p> </p><p>Desperate.</p><p> </p><p>Lonely till the end of his days.</p><p> </p><p>But now he was back, a shining beacon in an ocean of dreary futures and bad decisions and,-<br/>
Fear grappled him. “You’re not… You’re not leaving me again, are you?” He whispered. Was that what he was sorry about, was this it?!<br/>
Robert made a choking sound. He held him close but moved his face back, one hand on Elliot's, staring into his eyes. “Never. I may never make up for what happened to you, but I will never leave you again.” He kissed him, hard. “Never, you hear?”<br/>
They held each other close, both still shaking.<br/>
</p><p>Somehow, they would be okay.</p><p>Together.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>For the record: I know NOTHING about medicine. if you find an unresponsive person, always call emergency services.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Talk</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: Discussions or mentioning of abuse, lack of consent, rape</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Elliot woke up when the afternoon sun climbed lower. On reflex, he reached out to Roberts side of the bed, finding it cold and empty.</p><p>“No...No...” he curled up, tears welling up yet again. He remembered it clearly! Robert had come back, he had held him again, he’d said he wouldn’t leave!</p><p>He was startled when the door opened, until he heard the signature sounds of his children running into the house, followed by Roberts strong voice, cautioning them to not run up the stairs.</p><p>Elliot rolled on his back, relief leaving him breathing hard.</p><p>
  <i>he’s here…<br/>
he’s here…</i>
</p><p>He closed his eyes a moment longer, listening to Ayleen telling her dad about her newest art projects and a deep sense of peace enveloped him. He could tell it was temporary, he felt that something bothersome, dark and frayed threatened from the back of his mind, threatened to eat up his new-found peace all over again. But for now, it felt pretty damn good.</p><p>He didn’t know when he dozed off again but it had clearly gone darker after a bit and the smell of pasta filled the house. Not exactly his favorite dish but obviously an all-times-kids-favorite. He contemplated getting up again, starting to worry that he wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if he didn’t, when Robert came over.</p><p>The man still looked on edge, though he cracked a small smile when he saw him awake, sitting down next to him. “Hey...”</p><p>“Hey...”</p><p>They stared at each other a moment. Despite their earlier interaction, everything still felt awkward, the wounds of the day way too fresh to be ignored.</p><p>“How do you feel?”</p><p>He sat up, thinking a for a moment. “Sticky. I really need a shower.” He touched his hair with a pained expression. “Who knows how much of my glorious hair can be saved.”</p><p>Robert made a mildly amused sound, laying his hand on his arm. “You know what I mean.”</p><p>Elliot sighed, looking up. “I don’t know. Bad. My head is clearer. I… remember more. When I think about that day, that week...” his gaze shifted to the kids in the kitchen, decorating the walls with spaghetti sauce. </p><p>He smiled sadly. “Perhaps its best if we wait until later to talk...”</p><p>Robert followed his gaze and made a frustrated sound. “Yes… perhaps.” He gave the man a small kiss, holding his hand for a moment before leaving. </p><p>This would take time to be okay...</p><p> </p><p>It had been an odd evening. They fed the kids, cleaned the kitchen, brought the children to bed together, all the while a thousand unsaid words hung between them, all the while they still hadn’t really made up. </p><p>With the revelation that both had been under the influence of the dark essence, it had been a little bit easier to understand how they had been influenced. With the lifting of said influence, both of them saw clearer, both of them felt less pressured into what they were supposed to feel…</p><p>Yet there still hadn’t been the space to just.. talk it out. Earlier they had been all feelings and needs, no thoughts or egos standing between them. Now they both felt, they had to talk to be okay. Which had been impossible while the kids were still up.</p><p>--------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p> </p><p>Robert pressed his ear to Ephraims room for a moment and nodded to himself. “Okay. I think he’s asleep.” He turned to Elliot, who looked at him expectantly, apparently probing if now was the time but he couldn’t help himself..</p><p>Robert giggled and pointed at him. “I can’t contain it anymore… that beard is ridiculous.”</p><p>“Oh yeah? Maybe I’ll keep it. Then you’ll be entertained for the rest of your life.”</p><p>Awkward silence fell when both realized how… unspoken everything still was. </p><p>“I’m sorry...” he sighed, looking away, rubbing his neck. “I just…” he shook his head for a moment. “I know everythings...” he sighed and looked away.  “Look, I know… I know it might take time, till we’re… the way we were. But I can never conceal my feelings.” He looked at him, strangely shy. </p><p>“I never want to be without you again. No matter how awkward it might be for a bit”</p><p>Robert just looked at him, an uncertain look on his face, his stance betraying his uneasiness with all of this.</p><p> </p><p>---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Elliot knew that he still had that room at the saloon. That he would maybe decide to go back there. ‘Not leaving’ could mean several things after all. He looked at him, trying to stay calm, waiting for any kind of reply, while Robert just kept on staring, seemingly unresponsive. Then he seemed to reach an internal conclusion, walking up to him, warm arms pressing him close. Elliot let out a sigh, hugging him back, holding on. He bowed his head as his mind suddenly started to fill with darkness again, memories like shadow daggers, overwriting his thoughts and the warmth he felt in this embrace until all he could see was Leahs empty gaze as she inpassionately took his clothes off,-</p><p>“Let’s get you into the bathtub and work on that hair.”<br/>
Elliot gasped, blinking, suddenly snapped back into the present. “Uhm… I...uhm...” He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. “Are you sure that's what you want right now?”<br/>
Robert had let go of him and was already walking towards the upper bathroom. “Yeah. That hair’s a mess and that beard’s gotta go.” He took off his shirt on the way, the sight of naked skin making Elliot’s stomach drop.</p><p> </p><p>He followed him slowly, every step taking immeasurable effort as sudden fear pooled in his stomach. Now that the kids were in bed, his mind was less occupied. The images wouldn’t stop. Leah kissing him. Leah grabbing his hands, putting them on herself, placing his arms around her. Leah undressing him as he stood frozen, unable to respond to the situation…</p><p>He started breathing hard, dizziness setting in. Since he’d been freed of the influence of the dark essence, his entire perception of the event had rapidly shifted. Everything he had perceived as his own doing before now felt like she had actually been moving him to do. Like a puppet she had placed him physically in positions, using his hands to simulate actions that still made his stomach revolt…</p><p> </p><p>---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Robert still didn’t really know what to feel. When he’d put Elliot back into bed earlier he had decided not to leave him. He still felt hurt by what had happened, but despite Elliot's statements earlier, he knew that he wasn’t at fault.</p><p>In fact, he knew for certain now.</p><p>Robert clenched his jaw, running his hands through his hair. He had run into Marlon briefly when he’d gone into town to pick up the kids. The man had looked fairly exhausted and didn’t seem very talkative, even by his normal standards.</p><p>But Robert had <i>needed</i> to know, needed the answer to the most important question about all this.</p><p>Had this happened because of him?</p><p>Was this…? Had this been orchestrated to hurt him?</p><p> </p><p>The answers made him almost more uncomfortable than his own questions had...<br/>
</p><p>A thumping noise roused him from his thoughts, realizing that Elliot hadn’t quite followed him, choked breaths coming from down the corridor.<br/>
“Eli?!” He walked back quickly, finding the man hunched over, his fists clenched beside his head, his knuckles white. “Elliot, whats wrong?” He asked, knowing fully what it was, expecting it even. He rubbed the mans back, trying to get him to stand but he just slouched over more, whining quietly. Robert felt his heart clench yet again.<br/>
<i>How much more pain will I cause?</i><br/>
“I’m here. Elliot I’m here. No one can hurt you.”<br/>
The man slid down on the wall, slouching on the floor, his legs tucked close to him, hiding his face with his hands.<br/>
“But I… But you...” he cried. “Leah, she...”<br/>
Robert clenched his teeth, hugging him harder. “Talk to me. I will not leave you. I know what happened, I know you weren’t at fault, just… just talk to me, please...”<br/>
Elliot cried harder, his face red. He started pulling at his hair with one hand, biting on the fingers of his other one, avoiding his gaze. “I can’t, I can’t… I…. I betrayed you!”<br/>
“You didn’t! You didn’t.” Robert tried to keep his voice calm but his innards were bursting with fear for this man, fear what this was doing to him. He kissed his forehead. “You had no control. It was all my fault! I endangered you! I wasn’t even thinking!”<br/>
Elliot shook his head. “I… I...should have been able to stop her! I should have...”<br/>
“Shh...Shhh… Its not your fault.”<br/>
Elliot looked up to him, his green eyes red-rimmed and glazed. “Will you...Will you forgive me?”<br/>
He couldn’t stop himself from crying anymore. He crushed the man in a hug, holding onto him as close as he could, pressing every inch towards him. “There is NOTHING for me to forgive you for Eli, nothing. I’m the one who endangered you.” he started shaking. “If you’d…. If you’d never met me, this… this wouldn’t have happened to you.” He cawed, holding onto Elliot, unwilling to let go again as the crying fit enveloped him.</p><p>---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>They stayed like this for some time, holding eachother, both fighting for composure. After a while, Elliot felt the darkness ease a little. His mind started forming coherent thoughts again where beforehand, only fog and fear had been. He stroked Roberts back softly, kissing his neck, keeping him close. He thought for a moment, trying to find something for his mind to latch onto.</p><p>
  <i>“And in the darkness I saw a tree, a glimmering shadow in watery fields.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>And as I stared, the tree shivered, turning to me, extending me ghost-like fingers beneath the moon.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>As my feet grew ever-wetter, I felt the stones grind the shadows of north from my soles and my soul</i>
</p><p>
  <i>And my eyes were opened to the life within me. And my troubled mind was washed ashore.”</i>
</p><p>
 
 His voice had been unsteady and rough at first, but as he kept reciting, he became more steady. Robert had become still in his arms, listening. Elliot sighed quietly, leaning his head against the other’s.
 
</p><p>

“That was beautiful.” Roberts voice was rough from crying.

</p><p>

 Elliot smiled sadly. “It was one of the first bits I ever wrote. Part of a somewhat… silly tale of poetic beings that come out of the trees and the waters at night. It wasn’t written very well. But those lines always grounded me somehow. That image – water and trees in the night under a friendly moon. Soothing.”

</p><p>
  
    He kissed Roberts cheek, not daring to look into his eyes. “I think… I think I’d like that bath now.”
  
</p><p>---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>

 Getting ready to bath together was strangely comforting and disturbing at once. This not being an activity they usually shared in, outside of vacations, that was, there was no established way they went about things. Robert had turned on the water already, rummaging through the arsenal of brushes, combs, conditioners and shampoos, trying to find everything they would need while Elliot stood in front of the mirror, trying to find the energy to do anything. 

</p><p>
  While his mind wasn’t quite as foggy anymore, he still felt like a barely movable sandbag, every motion a conscious effort.
</p><p>
  He could barely stand looking into the mirror. Being a tad vain, doing so was usually no issue, but right now he felt uncomfortable with what he would see.
</p><p>
  “Maybe… maybe I should shave before bathing…” He hesitantly grabbed his usual razor, examining it a moment, then looking at his beard in the mirror. While the hair had grown out rather soft, it almost seemed a bit long to shave off with a this kind of blade.
</p><p>
  Robert suddenly stood directly behind him, his shirt off, looking at him strangely. “Uhm… Do you wanna use my electric one? Might be easier with the longer parts…
</p><p>
  Elliot thought about it, then shook his head. “I’m worried I might use it on my hair if I suddenly decide to throw a fit again...”
</p><p>
 Robert nodded slowly, thoughtful. “Then… would you let me shave you?”
</p><p>
  Elliot looked at him, confused.<br/>
“Its just, uhm… I… You still seem pretty out of it. I just want to make sure you don’t accidentally cut yourself.”
  He nodded slowly, satisfied with the explanation, putting the razor down. He realized he was getting slower again, his mind somehow going into a state of stupor. Maybe it was for the best…
</p><p>
 He started unbuttoning his shirt and froze again. Unwanted associations of the last time his shirt had been opened with a half-naked person in front of him. His hand shook. He clenched his teeth, closing his eyes, focusing on the task, focusing on breathing, slowly opening the last buttons, dropping the garment into the hamper, his other clothes following suit.<br/>
The room wasn’t cold but he felt clammy, nervous. He stared at the floor, waiting for Robert to do something or make him do something,-
</p><p>

    Suddenly, there was a spark of a lightning bolt in his head<br/>
<i><b>"LET’S MAKE HIM TOUCH HER"</b><br/>
Rushing darkness, confusing lights, Leah smiling like a madwoman<br/>
<b>"HE CAN’T DO A THING"</b><br/>
Leahs hut, spinning, shadows in the corner, laughing<br/>
<b>"PATHETIC"</b></i><br/>
“Hey. Hey. Come back. I’m here.”

</p><p>
 Robert hugged him, stroking his neck, kissing his ear. “I know its bad. I know. I’m here."
</p><p>
  Elliot made a choking sound, the images and voices tumbling in his head. He kissed Roberts forehead, trying to focus on the here and now, on the gift he still had in his life, on all he didn’t lose,-
</p><p>
 But it was so hard.
</p><p>
  Robert kissed away his silent tears, keeping him close. “We can stop if you want to. We can get you dressed and back in bed. But the more you give in.. the more its going to control you.”
</p><p>
  Elliot clenched his jaw, thinking of the hateful shadows in the corner, fresh anger sparking, giving him energy. “I won’t… I won’t let them control me anymore.”
</p><p>
  Robert gave him a tight smile. He grabbed the shaving cream and raised the razor. “Then lets keep going.”
</p><p>---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>
  Robert took his time getting the hairband out of Elliots hair. They were sitting in the tub, surrounded by rather hot water, Robert trying his darnest to loosen the hair tie without hurting the other more than necessary. 
</p><p>
He sighed and fumbled for scissors. “I’ll have to cut this thing open… when did you put it in?” Elliot shrugged, eluding further responses. Robert repressed a sigh, cutting the tie, carefully loosening up the hair that had, by now, caked together a little bit. He started rinsing it carefully, putting shampoo on his hands to start combing it with his hands, slowly. 
  
</p><p>
 They spent some time sitting there, Robert carefully working through the hair while Elliot just stared, neither saying much, occasionally letting in more hot water to keep it warm.
 
</p><p>
“I feel...violated.” Elliot said after a while. Robert had started combing the hair with conditioner before and stopped what he was doing for a second before he continued, trying to keep his voice even.
</p><p>
  “I can imagine...”, Robert said, trying to give his voice an undertone that would encourage the other to keep talking, but how did one do that anyway?<br/>
<i>Please tell me about how you were drugged, abused and possibly raped, but stay calm while doing so</i><br/>
He felt like dirt, like the filthiest, worst person on this planet, but he kept calm, combing through the hair, hoping it would provide the calm environment his husband needed to open up.
</p><p>
 Elliot sighed, then continued. “I remember now. I saw the movie with Leah. She seemed… strange then, already. I remember wondering is she was just in a bad mood or if she had been experimenting with mushrooms again. Later she seemed so oddly disinterested about the finer points of the movie...” Elliot talked slowly, taking small breaks in between while Robert rinsed his hair, stroking his back in between to gently encourage him.<br/>
“We went to her place only because.. we had already planned to do so the day before. She was still normal then, I think. I remember having a great time talking about ‘Ozmods Labyrinth’ with her at the saloon...” 
He sighed. “Leah on that day… it was a different person. If it was a person at all.” He fell silent, bowing his head. Robert hugged him from behind, glad he’d sprung for the bigger bathtub a couple of years ago. He shared the silence, waiting if the other would say more, his head leaned forward onto the others back.
</p><p>
 “I… I need to get this out, don’t I?” He turned his head, looking at him sad, his eyes clear. Robert nodded, stretching his neck to give him a kiss. “I do think so… I think.. you won’t rest easy until you do...”
  
</p><p>
 Elliot smiled at him sadly, nodding as well as he could over his own shoulder. He faced forward again, his hand squeezing Roberts for a moment. “I like it when you comb my hair. Its very… comforting.”<br/>
Robert kissed his neck, grabbed another comb and started working in a deep conditioner, wordlessly, a tiny part of him thinking of the water bill this month, then dismissing it immediately.<br/>
They sat in silence for some more time before Elliot continued.<br/>
“I got to her place and she offered me a glass of wine. It was just the one. It tasted weird and then...” he started breathing harder, his arms, shoulders and neck going rigid in sudden panic. Robert, still behind him, went on his knees so to comfort him better, enveloping him with his arms again, quiet reassurance on his lips. 
</p><p>
Elliots breathing slowed. “I was… I was so sure before, that we drank two entire bottles. I was so sure things had been different, than they really were...It was like my mind had been programmed with false memories” He put his head in his hands again for a moment, then took them away, staring at the skin. “Maybe we should get out of the water eventually. Your skin must be even more shriveled than mine with all that shampoo on your hands...”
</p><p>---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>
  Robert sighed with mild frustration as he combed the past-washing applicator into the hair. “Is this what you go through every time you wash it?!”
  
</p><p>
  Elliot chuckled quietly. Despite Roberts apparent frustration, his touch was feather light, careful and thorough.
</p><p>
 It felt nice.
</p><p>
  “No. Usually I also rinse it out with cold after washing, apply leave-in conditioner and pay a rhino to wind it around its horn to give it the volume it needs.”
</p><p>
 Robert made an amused sound and kept combing. “Don’t know how you ever managed in your old shack.”
</p><p>
 Elliot smiled sadly, thinking of the life he had now, the family he’d gotten so painfully fond of.<br/>
“Me neither...”
</p><p>
  He did feel better now, thoroughly washed and shaved, wearing fresh pajamas.<br/>
But he still wasn’t at ease.
</p><p>
He still needed to finish talking about it. The words came easy and hard at once now, his mind going strangely astray when he went there, making him feel hollow and yet less… sickened. It started to feel like something that happened so somebody else.
</p><p>
 
      <i>But maybe I just feel that because I haven’t gotten to… to <b>that</b> point yet...</i>
   
</p><p>
He sighed. His hair was almost dry now. Robert had stopped combing it, realizing he would, in fact, damage it if he overdid it. Instead he just sat there, hugging Elliot from behind, occasionally nuzzling his neck. 
</p><p>
Elliot rubbed his forehead for a moment, thinking back.
</p><p>
 “When I reflect on it now… It seems like a bad movie. Like a… I don’t even know. Shortly after I drank a bit of the wine, I felt unable to move. I didn’t fall over or anything, my muscles didn’t suddenly relax or go lax, I… just kinda stiffed up, everywhere. I still… basically remember the same thing after that. Its just… twisted the other way around. The Leah-thing said her line about sexual orientations and all that, and then just kinda...undressed.”
</p><p>
He sighed, looking up, one hand finding Robert’s, kissing it absentmindedly, rubbing his cheek against it.
</p><p>
  “I… I was terrified. I could see what she was doing and I… I was so scared.” He felt like he was reading words from a book, from a foggy place far away. It was easier to keep the distance now, Roberts reassuring hands around him, his warmth reminding him that he was...safe.
 “She took my hands. I tried to… I tried to pull them back, I tried to scream, I...” his composure wavered. He closed his eyes, sighing, fighting hard to actually not cry again, shaking slightly. He didn’t want to give these creatures anymore victories over him. He cleared his throat, rubbing his face. “I tried fighting her, but like a puppet she could just move my body and it stayed the way she placed it. I was completely frozen. 
She undressed me and put us into various poses. My hands on her breasts, around her hips… At one point she spent forever bending down my shoulders, neck and head to get us into a position that would make sense if I was to actually kiss her.” He laughed bitterly, the situation seeming absurd had it not been so terrifying. “I suppose they needed to make.. the positions happen to put these.. other thoughts into my head.” He shuddered, bowing his head.
 “I suppose.. I think it was just my luck that you came in when you did.” He sighed, turned and lay down, dragging the other with him. He breathed in his husbands scent for a moment, hesitated, than pulled off both of their shirts in quick secession, needing the skin-on-skin contact.
</p><p>---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>
They lay there, breathing quietly, pressing every square-inch of skin to the other. Robert wished nothing more but for them to just stay like this and sleep. To keep their warmth and closeness, to sleep and hopefully wake to a better morning.<br/>
But he felt there were still unsaid things… Elliot wouldn’t quite keep still in his arms, still twitching around every few seconds like he was afraid something was going to happen.
</p><p>
  “I think… If you hadn’t appeared then...” his voice was choked, pained. He moved down a little bit, burying his head in Roberts chest, taking a breath. “I’m pretty sure… she’d have raped me if you hadn’t been there. And that… would have been the end of it. I don’t think...” he made a choking sound, trembling, clearly trying to keep his composure. Robert had wrapped his legs around the other’s, stroking his head, crying silently. He did his best not to show it and he had expected these words, yet they hurt so much more than he could have ever imagined.
</p><p>
  
    <b>His husband.
  
</b></p><p>
  <b></b>
</p><p>
  <b></b>
</p><p>
 
   Abused like that.

</p><p>
  He felt himself tremble a little and held on closer to the man in his arms, trying to keep still for him so he wouldn’t feel worse.
</p><p>
 Elliot's eyes were still staring into nothing, his jaw clenched, yet, he continued. “...I don’t think I’d have made it through the week if she had. I...” he shook his head. “After you’d gotten there, she got off immediately. She dressed me, than made me drink something else, pretty much pushed me out the door. That's when I regained control. Only to believe I had, in fact, cheated on you...” Elliot leaned his head against Roberts chest for a moment, sighing. After a moment, he kissed his way up from the chest to his shoulder, shifting his body upward again as he went. He looked him in the eyes, his gaze sad but clear, holding him tightly. “That week… was the worst of my life. All that remained of my true self during all this was how much I love you and our kids. How I couldn’t lose you. I lay awake each night, thinking of you. When the thoughts to… harm myself in the darkness became stronger, they were pushed back by the need to be with you every night… when I wanted to end things during the day, our kids kept me strong.” He sighed. “I’d like to say that I want nothing more than to put all that behind me. Behind us. The truth is, I want nothing more than to be with you. Everything else will… hopefully.. heal away eventually.”
</p><p>
  Robert looked at him, speechless.
</p><p>
  
      <i>How…?</i>
  
</p><p>
 
      <i>How can you be like this…?</i>
   
</p><p>
  
    His eyes had gotten teary again, looking at his impossible husband who had just been through hell because of him and who was just so goddamn brave and forgiving and…
</p><p>
  
Robert gave him a serious look. “I don’t deserve a man like you.” 
Elliot made a snorting noise and proceeded to kiss Roberts fresh tears away. “Maybe not. Maybe I’m just too handsome for you.” Both laughed a little, their anxiety being betrayed by strong grasps and pain in their eyes. Robert steadied himself, taking a breath. “I… I really don’t, though.” They became somber. “I knowingly put myself in danger and never thought… that by making enemies, I was painting a target on your back. I had been more careful venturing into the mines  and caverns since the incident last year, but I still never thought...” He shook his head, closing his eyes, fighting the thoughts.<br/>
“I never thought… something like this would happen.” He opened his eyes and looked at him earnestly. “And I promise, no harm will come to you through my work anymore. I will take measures to protect you and the kids,-” he saw the objection in Elliot's eyes and amended “.- to protect all of us. And if it means leaving the adventurers guild and caving after this attack… Than I will. Our family is the most important thing to me. And I too… want nothing more but to be with you.”
  
</p><p>
 
They turned off the lights soon after, never quite letting go of the other as they slowly, finally, drifted to sleep.

</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>a) This chapter was so freaking difficult to write<br/>b)So sorry about the layout problems. For some reason, the editor screwed everything up after the first draft (placing random commands everywhere) - I'm working on slowly cleaning the bigger issues out but some stuff still might look weird<br/>c) If you're confused what happend with Elliots shifted perception within this chapter.. trauma does weird things to the mind. I felt it fitting that he would keep on blaming himself at first, even though his memories were starting to be restored. I hope thats not too confusing.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Sun</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Robert started the day when an excited toddler started hammering on the door. “Daddy! Daddy! A butterfly landed on my window and I caught it in a glass! Come quick, daddy!”</p><p>Robert sighed, rolling his eyes. He smiled at Elliots form, still clinging to him, seemingly unwilling to let go just like that. Robert kissed his hair, noting that it was already tangled again from their all-night-cuddling-session.</p><p>“daaaaaad! Come on!” Their son hammered against the door again before excitedly running away, probably to look at his butterfly again.</p><p>Robert stroked Elliots hair a moment longer, kissing his forehead, trying to get out of the mans grip. </p><p>“Eli… I need to get up.”</p><p>The man made a disagreeing sound, tightening his grip, eyes still closed.</p><p>“Yes I do, unless you want Ephraim to forget his manners and barge in here eventually...”</p><p>Elliot made another not-pleased sound, drawing Robert in again, snuggling up close. “just a moment longer” he murmured sleepy.</p><p>Robert sighed and smiled, leaning in.</p><p>At this moment, in this place, he couldn’t be happier.</p><p> </p><p>---------------------------------------------------------</p><p> </p><p>Leah woke in dizziness and anxiety. She felt the unpleasant buzz of too many medications running through her blood, making her feel sick, confusion over where she was..</p><p>Revulsion over some of the dreams she’d had.</p><p>She tried sitting up to get some kind of grip on the situation, noticing that she was hooked up to several different tubes as well as a heart monitor.</p><p>
  <i>I’m… in the hospital?!</i>
</p><p>She tried making sense of her dreams for a moment. Usually they told her something about what was going on in her subconscious nous, but either her subconsciousness was a really sick ass or something was seriously wrong with her.</p><p>
  <i>Sometimes, certain mental illnesses can lead to confusing or violent dreams, in more ways than one...</i>
</p><p>Leah thought about one of the images in her mind, unsure of what she was seeing in the first place. It was like having a photo held directly in front of your face. She could make out fragments of it, but couldn’t quite understand. She knew she didn’t quite want to know, as a terribly strong sense of dread was filling her,</p><p>What she did remember was loneliness and hunger. The intense feeling of being trapped. She’d been in a cage. People had been walking by, ignoring her pleas for help, ignoring her cries for food.</p><p>She was really hungry.</p><p>It was still dark out but she pressed the call-button anyway. This had to be a hospital or something like it, after all. Someone was always around.</p><p>----------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Robert walked the kids over to Penny, enjoying the morning sun shining on his face. While the events of the past few days still lingered strong within him and probably would for a long time, he was determined to make the best of the here and now, more aware than ever before of how fleeting Happiness could be.</p><p>“So, kids, what are you going to do today?”</p><p>“Miss Penny wanted to teach us about frogs! She promised she’d have someone bring some live ones for us to see!”</p><p>Robert grinned. “That sounds amazing! Frogs are fascinating creatures.. just be sure to wash your hands thoroughly after touching them.”</p><p>Ayleen made a face. “I don’t like frogs. I bet they’re all slimy… I wish we were doing something else instead.”</p><p>Robert stroked her hair. “What animals would you prefer, sweetie?”</p><p>“Snakes!! Snakes are cooler! They can fight really big things and they can eat soooo much! And then they just sleep for weeks!”</p><p>Robert made a surprised sound. “Sounds like you already know quite a bit about them, then… you might not learn too much more about snakes if Penny decided to teach you about them...”</p><p>“She already did. I just wanna see them again. They’re so smooth and their eyes are really interesting...”</p><p>Robert chuckled, happy his children had such passion for something like this. “Well Ayleen, maybe we can go to Zuzu City sometime to visit the reptile rooms. I’m sure you’d see loads of snakes there.”</p><p>They talked more about animals till they reached the library. Robert handed the kids off to Penny who gave him the brightest smile. Robert could spot Sebastian in the back and smiled knowingly. He and </p><p>Sebastian weren’t as close as they once were, so the kids hadn’t seen his frogs before.</p><p> </p><p>Robert was glad they still got a chance to see them this way.</p><p> </p><p>He strolled back out into the sun, enjoying the fresh autumn breeze.</p><p>His gaze wavered between the saloon, the bridge towards the beach and the adventurers guild. He had to take care of  few things, but he also didn’t want to leave Elliot alone at home for too long…</p><p>Robert walked back into the square when his eyes landed on the clinic.</p><p>Suddenly, he felt hollow.</p><p> </p><p>Leah was in there.</p><p> </p><p>Marlon had told them, they had found her at the beach. Trying to drown herself.</p><p>Almost succeeding.</p><p>
  <i>How bad would it be for either one of us to see each other?</i>
</p><p>When he thought about what happened, to his own surprise he no longer felt anger. He felt a cold sadness at the memory. Her words at the bus stop especially… just made him feel like it had been <i>thing</i> wearing a Leah-suit.<br/>
It made him feel sick.</p><p>Leah had been a close friend of Elliot's for years and by extension, he’d gotten to know her pretty well too. She’d been over for dinner dozens if not hundreds of times over the years. She’d watched their children when they wanted to spend a weekend alone.</p><p>She was practically part of the family.</p><p>And yet.</p><p>The thought of seeing her made him uneasy. Queasy even.</p><p>
  <i>But how long is that going to be that way?</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Isn’t the thing with trauma that you make everything worse in your head, the longer you avoid the thing or people that had to do with the trauma in the first place?</i>
</p><p>He looked at the clinic uncertainly.</p><p>Then he turned and walked to the adventurers guild.</p><p>No matter what else he did today, this had his highest priority.</p><p> </p><p>-------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p> </p><p>“A protective charm, hm?”</p><p>“Yes. Four of them, actually. Something that actually works! If not to ward things off, than at least to show if something’s wrong or something like that.”</p><p>Marlon stroked his beard, looking at him thoughtfully. “This wouldn’t have happen to have anything to do with the attack on your husband, would it?”</p><p>Robert made an annoyed sound. “I don’t know Marlon, what do you think? Think I might be a tad upset about it, wanting to do something to improve the situation?”</p><p>Marlon nodded slowly, still stroking his beard. “Hm. Yes. Yes, I do suppose that makes sense.” He stared at him.</p><p>Robert waited.</p><p>Marlon still stared.</p><p>Robert sighed. “So do you have any?”</p><p>“Hm? Oh, no. You’d have to ask Rasmodius or go to Castle Village. Or I could order some for you. But they’re expensive. After preventing one magical attack, they break. And they will only do so much. What you’d really need is a magical ward around your house. That way, nothing that doesn’t live there can’t enter without revealing itself and most curses would break away.”</p><p>“Well… that sounds good. How do I get one?”</p><p>Marlon sighed, rolling his eyes. “Befriend three of the most powerful magi you can find and ask them for help.”</p><p>Robert nodded to himself, thinking, when Marlon cleared his throat. “Look, that's not something you can just ‘get’, its not like a made-to-order-swordfork or something like that. I get that you’re upset, but </p><p>if you want immediate help, I would actually recommend that you order the protective charms. If you can afford them. For all else, I’d say you should come to the meeting tomorrow. We need to talk about your situation anyway.”</p><p>Robert looked at him thoughtful, nodding. “How much are the charms?”</p><p>“20.000 a pop”</p><p>Robert pressed his lips together, calculating, than nodding. “Okay. Order me...er… 5 of those, okay? </p><p>Can I pay when I pick them up?”</p><p>Marlon gave him a level look. “For you, Robert, because you have been so extremely helpful.. you can pay half price tomorrow when you come for the meeting. And the other half when you pick up in a week or so. Thats about all I can do right now.”</p><p>-----------------------------------------------------</p><p> </p><p>Leah kneaded her hands, uneasy.</p><p>The images from her ‘dreams’ kept repeating in her head. She felt clammy, sick, anxious and generally terrible. In an unwelcome way it reminded her to the phase in her life when she had fought her way through depression back in Zuzu city, struggling to find the strength to leave her abusive ex. When everything had seemed gray and there was always a storm brewing in her head.</p><p>The night-nurse had told her that she would have to wait for the doctor to tell her exactly what had happened as only he would be able to answer all of her questions. He had brought her some tea and broth though, giving her at a small amount of sustenance to go through her morning as she waited.</p><p>She looked out the window, wishing she had a book or anything else to draw her thoughts away from the darkness. The last thing she remembered clearly was texting Haley on her way home from the saloon.</p><p>Where was her cellphone anyway? She didn’t want Haley to worry…</p><p>The door opened and Harvey came in, nodding to her as he approached. “Good morning, Leah.” he took her chart and studied it for a moment, then he sat down. “How are you feeling?” His voice was as sincere and friendly as always, yet his gaze seemed a tad more serious than she had usually seen him.</p><p>“I, er,-” she cleared her throat. “All in all? Terrible. I feel sick, my head hurts, my throat is sore and I’m in a terrible mental state.” she sighed. “How did I get here?”</p><p>Harvey made a few notes, looking thoughtfully. “You… were brought here. Can you describe your mental state, please?”</p><p>The tingling uneasiness in her stomach increased. She didn’t like that question…</p><p>“I… I have these… images in my head. Terrible images. I’m doing hurtful things to others, saying terrible things to others… and there's this… this intense feeling of loneliness. Like being trapped and.. gagged in a public place, yet invisible to anyone around...” She hugged herself, looking down, shivering. She was terrified what had happened to her or been done to her. One didn’t just black out one day and wake up the next with terrible feelings and thoughts like that for no reason. There was usually a reason.<br/>
Any one of them she could think of was terrifying.</p><p>“...I...” She added in a small voice. “I don’t.. remember getting home that night… What happened to me?” She took a deep breath, doing her best to keep her composure. She straightened her back, looking Harvey in the eye, ready to take whatever truth he had to tell her. At the very least she was here and alive, so she bloody-well would make the best of it.</p><p>Harvey looked thoughtful. “I understand that you’re feeling anxious to know, but I need to know what the last thing you remember is.”</p><p>Leah made a face. “I.. was at the saloon having drinks with Elliot. I didn’t have too much to drink. We talked about a book. I went on my walk home. I remember talking to Haley on my cellphone. After that, everything is fuzzy. I keep having some images replay in my mind that… have to do with Elliot. Some also with Robert. All of them are very disturbing and the way you’re staring at me makes me increasingly anxious what the hell happened to me! Its my right to know and I demand to know what my medical status is and why I am in here!” She had started breathing harder, the anxiety eating at her, her head still flooding the same images at her over an over again.</p><p>Elliots face, distorted in horror as she did… <i>something</i> to him…</p><p>Robert, staring in shock as she spewed poisonous lies to torture him…</p><p>She grabbed a pillow hugging it tight, trying to make herself feel better.</p><p>Harvey made a face and put his clipboard down, moving a tiny bit closer to her. “Leah… I know you’re upset. I’ll have to admit that this is difficult for me, as this is not something that commonly happens. First things first: You’re fine. You’re not sick. You’re a little bit malnourished, you suffered a mild case of oxygen deprivation and you had a bit of water in your lungs that we have removed by now.”</p><p>Leah blinked, relieved that she didn’t have some mysterious illness but worried about the way he was telling her all this. “Why did I have water in my lungs?”</p><p>“Leah, there is no easy way to say this.. You tried to drown yourself.”</p><p>She stared at him in shock. This couldn’t be true. Yes, there was a time in her life when she had been... in a very dark place. More often then she liked to admit. But that had been years ago. She hadn’t been in such a place in a long time.</p><p>Leah shook her head slowly, unbelieving. “That… I… That can’t be true. Who said that? How exactly did I get here?!”</p><p>Harvey's brows furrowed mildly. “This brings me to the next part that will be even more confusing.<br/>
You see… The wizard brought you in.”</p><p>------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Robert had gone by Willy's shop to pick up some fresh fish. He wanted to make a fish stew for Elliot, hoping to get him to eat something.</p><p>When Robert had left in the morning, Elliot had been awake but unwilling to get up. While he had been in a better place than the night before, Robert had still felt terrible leaving him alone for any amount of time. The man hadn’t eaten the night before and from what Robert could tell by Elliot's color and general physical well-being, he probably hadn’t eaten too much in several days.</p><p>He tried to swallow the guilt and instead focus on the positives. While his family wasn’t precisely safe from all harm, they were at least united again.</p><p>Now they just had to become whole again as well.</p><p> </p><p>He crossed the bridge into town when he heard somebody call out his name. He looked up to find Haley approaching him quickly, looking strangely disheveled considering her usual attentiveness to her looks. “Robert! Am I glad to see you- have you heard anything from Leah in the past week?!”<br/>
Robert almost swallowed his tongue in shock. “I,- uh. In a way, yes.” The guilt came back in a giant wave. He hadn’t even considered the possibility that Haley might not have known that Leah had been hospitalized.</p><p>Haley looked at him expectantly and he suddenly noticed how pale she was. Her hair looked untidy too, like she had been traveling for a long time with no time for proper hair-care.</p><p>“I was out of town the past two weeks” She explained. “We usually talked every night but a week ago she was sort of weird on the phone and I haven’t heard from her since! Do you know where she is? Because she isn’t home and the place is all dusty and dirty, like she hasn’t been home in forever...”</p><p>Robert clenched his teeth, his stomach dropping even further. He had had no idea the two women were so close. “I… uhm. I’m sorry Haley, Leah’s in the hospital.” He pointed to Harvey clinic.</p><p>Haley looked shocked for a moment, then she let out a big sigh. “Then… she’s alive, at least.” She closed her eyes for a moment, breathing, clasping her hands. Robert noted that she still had her suitcase on her, apparently starting her search before even going home. </p><p>
  <i>...huh..</i>
</p><p>Haley opened her eyes, looking worried. “What happened to her? Is she going to be okay?”</p><p>Robert felt torn. He wanted to take time to explain to Haley what had happened, to brace her for what might be waiting for her in the hospital. At the same time, he was worried how Elliot was doing alone at home. Robert had been out of the house for over an hour now and while Elliot hadn’t shown… openly worrying behavior since the essence had left him, Robert couldn’t help but worry that he might still hurt himself…</p><p>But Leah was Elliot's friend too.</p><p>Robert didn’t know if they ever would be able to see each other in the eye again after what had happened, if they would ever be without.. possibly open fear of one another, but Robert knew his husband… Even if he would never be able to stand her presence again, sooner or later, he would want to know how she was doing.</p><p>And if he was honest with himself, he too was worried about her. The thing in her body had done terrible things to Elliot, had said terrible things to him, but looking back at that memory now, he could almost see the dark emptiness in her eyes moving her lips artificially while the kind, creative woman he’d gotten to know had probably been trapped, much in the way Elliot had been…</p><p> </p><p>He thought back on the day he’d ‘caught’ ‘her’ and Elliot in her cabin, sickness seething through him.</p><p>He wasn’t at the point to move past it, yet.</p><p>But for her sake… He could try to at least put it aside for a minute.</p><p>After all.. he was probably the one least damaged of the three of them.</p><p>He looked at Haley, trying to make a brave face. “Okay… How about we walk over there slowly and I’ll fill you in… vaguely, on what happened? And then we check in on her together.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>As you people might be noticing, I'm terrible at chapter titles.<br/>So sue me.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Confusion</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Elliot stared at the ceiling. His head felt strangely empty. He didn’t feel like sleeping, yet, actually leaving the bed felt like an unnecessary chore. What would he do anyway? Get dressed and lie back down in a different area of the house?</p><p>He sighed, wishing Robert came back. It wouldn’t do much to improve his mood, but he would at least be less alone with his..thoughts.</p><p>Thoughts. He’d had surprisingly little since he’d woken up. After Robert and the kids had left, he’d been staring at the wall for a bit. After a while he felt that he needed to something, but leaving the bed would have meant getting colder and he didn’t want that at this time. So he had turned, looking out the window, staring into nothingness.</p><p>He didn’t find it any more or less stimulating than watching the not-movement of the ceiling, but somehow it was really hard to get himself to do anything at all. He started flopping around on the bed, trying to make himself move a little bit. Eventually, he more or less rolled towards the edge of the bed, wondering how tangled his hair had become again already. He dressed slowly and slurped to the bathroom, checking how much or Roberts hair-recovery work he had already destroyed with his sloppiness.<br/>
The least he could do was try to look after his hair for a little bit…</p><p> </p><p>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Haley looked at Robert anxiously. “But… what did she actually do?”</p><p>Robert pressed his lips together. Talking about this to anyone felt extremely personal and awkward – talking about it to the- what? Friend? Girlfriend?! Of the person who had just… been forced to do what she had been forced to do, felt outright wrong. He sighed quietly. “Look, I think… I don’t want to color how she’s doing with what has happened from our point of view. If she finds the need to… clarify the situation than I’ll… be more open about it. But I feel like, I told you all I could so far.”</p><p>Haley snorted very unlike any lady would. “Yeah. You told me she was mindfucked by some crazy essence because she happened to be friends with your husband. Whom you have endangered with your behavior too. So excuse me being flippant but it sure sounds to me like whoever did this just wanted to get to you and Leah has to pay the price for it! And you won’t even tell me what exactly has happened to her!”</p><p>Robert looked down, avoiding her eyes. They were standing outside the clinic now, Robert anxious to leave, Haley nervous to go inside.</p><p>She was right.</p><p>There was no way around it. He shrugged, not knowing what to say as he had neither a way to defend himself nor a plan on how to move forward. “All I can say is… Is that I was a target, because I’m fighting to protect this valley and everyone in it.”, Robert said quietly. “That's no excuse. I should have known to be more mindful of the people around me. But I haven’t risked limp and life time and time again to have that fact, that mission, be ignored.”</p><p>Haley looked at him angry, her brows furrowed. “I don’t <i>care</i> about your missions. I care that Leah is hurt.” She looked sad for a moment. “I’d have thought you’d care more too. Elliot, You and your family mean so much to her.” She tensed. “And that's why you’re coming inside.”</p><p>Robert moved backwards immediately but she grabbed him by the lapels. “You’re. Coming. Inside. I’m not saying you have to see her, but if she want’s answers right now than you’ll better standby In the office to give them to her.”<br/>
Robert stared at her, mildly shocked. While he was easily stronger than Haley and could have just torn himself away, he had never seen the woman so serious before.<br/>
Besides… She had a point. And what would be the use in dragging this out? There was no way he was going to feel more comfortable about this in a day, a week or even a month from now. </p><p>He sighed, nodding.</p><p>“Alright. But you go in first and if you don’t call me in within like.. 10 minutes, I’m gone.” He held up his bag of fish. “This won’t stay cool forever and I’d hate for it to spoil.”</p><p>Haley made an annoyed sound and dragged him inside.</p><p>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Leah couldn’t stop crying, shaking her head over and over again. This couldn’t be true. It couldn’t!</p><p>She took a breath, trying to say something but ended up with more snot in her mouth. </p><p>Harvey handed her a tissue. “I understand that this is difficult for you.” he said. “And while I understand that you won’t feel the energy to do that now, I think its imperative that you get counseling immediately. There are some people who have experience in working with people who were under… dark influences. Usually its something that happens more with agents of the enemy that infiltrate our troops – but corruption has been known to spread from magical sources too, occasionally...”</p><p>“WILL YOU SHUT UP!?!?” Leah hugged the wet pillow again as another onset of crying cramps shook her. “I KNOW I NEED HELP… I know...” She wept, her body moving backwards and forwards in a rocking motion. “My best friend… oh god… oh god, how could I...” she dug her nails in her face, hiding her eyes. “I should have been stronger. I shouldn’t have succumbed like this. Goddamn it.” Burning rage took the place of her sadness and suddenly she just wanted to smash something. “Who...who did this to me?! Why?! Why was I used like this?!”</p><p>Harvey shuffled back a little, pushing his glasses up. “I don’t know. The wizard said you were targeted because you were in ‘the ideal position’ to do damage, but I don’t quite know...”</p><p>There was a knock on the door, just then. Harvey gave Leah an apologetic look and got up, opening the door. He looked surprised. “Oh. Haley. I’m… not sure if Leah is ready to see a visitor right now,-”<br/>
Leah made a screeching sound behind him. “HALEY!”<br/>
Harvey gave a toneless sigh, opening the way, letting the blond woman in who immediately sprinted towards Leah, crushing her in a hug.</p><p>“I was so worried...” Haley held on to her tightly for a moment, her eyes closed, breathing heavy. When Leah hadn’t been reachable for the third day in a row she had made the decision to come back home earlier, worried what had happened to the other woman. She moved back a tiny bit to look at her, her heart sinking, immediately chastising herself for not returning sooner. </p><p>Leah looked thin and waxen, her hair a mess of unwashed strains and what seemed to be a piece of sea-grass.</p><p>But her eyes were alight and awake. Haley let out a small sigh of relief. “I’m so glad you’re okay...”</p><p>Leah made a face, looking away. “Yeah… I mean. Not really.”</p><p>She closed her eyes, clenching her fists for a moment, anger shaking her. She was glad she didn’t feel as helpless as earlier, rage being a much more useful emotion to get ones self out of difficult situations, but at the same time, with Haley here, Rage wasn’t quite what she wanted to feel either…</p><p>She looked back up at her, trying to focus on how glad she was to see her. Leah reached up with her hand, softly sliding a thumb across Haleys cheek before moving forward to pull her into a kiss. She felt her rage die down a little, slowly changing into a different emotion. Her other hand wandered up, ruffling Haley's hair as the kiss deepened.<br/>
Haley broke it, her cheeks flushed, moving back a little bit. “Whoa. Slow down. You’ve just been through...uh..some stuff. Maybe take it slow? I heard, uh...” She looked to the door for a moment. “I heard some.. bad stuff happened while I was gone?”</p><p>Leah looked back at her mildly unfocused. “Who… Who told you that? I mean, yes, something...” She looked down, closing her eyes, the anger growing stronger again. “something.. really bad happened. God, I could really go for a steak right now.”</p><p>Haley gave her a concerned look, seemingly pondering her next reply for a moment. “I… heard about it from Robert.” She said in a small voice.</p><p>Leah's eyes snapped, panicking. “What? Robert?” </p><p>There it was – the bus stop, Robert, her saying those.. those <i>things</i> to him, drums in her head, ever-louder, a throbbing white buzz drowning out her thoughts. </p><p>“I… he….” She put her head in her hand, shaking. “Whats happening to me?! Oh god….I’m so afraid..:” She felt like throwing up and crying her eyes out, like screaming into the sky and hiding in a deep cave so no one would find her. “What… What did he say?!”</p><p> </p><p>Haley rubbed her back slowly, awkwardly kissing her temple. “He.. wouldn’t quite say what had happened. Said he didn’t want to ‘color your perception’ or whatever that means. I brought him here, actually, in case you wanted to see him,-”</p><p>Leah made a screeching sound, tucking in her legs, hugging her knees, sudden fear kicking into overdrive. “This up and down, all emotions rushing through me, its killing me...” tears flooded from her hazel eyes once more. “I can’t do it. I can’t see him. I can’t… How could I ever?! After everything...” She shook her head again, crying. </p><p>Haley tried calming her, feeling thoroughly out of her depth. She felt terrible seeing Leah like this, but how did one help others cope with something that nobody wanted to speak about?! <i>Must’ve been really bad if everyone's all hush-hush about it...</i></p><p>She gave Leah another kiss on her hair, letting go of her slowly. “I’ll be right back, okay? I just gotta take care of something really quick...” She turned back to walk into the office, fully intent on kicking the answers she needed right out of Robert. Leah had almost died! How hard was it to not be a stuck-up fool just for once?! She marched into the room only to find it empty, safe for Maru who was taking notes from a tape.<br/>
She looked up upon Haley entering. “Oh, Haley. I’m sorry, Robert already left. But he said you could give this to Leah.” She handed her a folded note.<br/>
Haley looked at the note, furious, grabbing it. “This?!” She held it up. “This is what he does? She’s at the end of her rope here and he leaves her dangling like this?! Fucking asshole.” She bared her teeth, considering to read the note only for a moment. It was for Leah and she was who would get it. Still. She sure felt like ripping somebody's throat out.</p><p>-------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>When Robert finally closed the door behind himself, he felt like collapsing. He walked into the kitchen, placed the fish in the fridge and closed it, leaning his head against the cool metal for a moment.</p><p>He’d heard Leah yelling from the other side. Heard her cries, her rapid rage…</p><p>It sure hadn’t been easy and he wasn’t quite sure if it had been the best thing for her not to see him right now-</p><p>But it damn sure had been the best for himself. If he was to support Elliot through all this and remain the stable one that took care of the kids and the farm on the side, he would have to keep away from too much… troublesome things for a while. And while he wanted Leah to be well, he knew where his priorities where.</p><p>Right here, at home.</p><p>He took a few deep breaths, moving to the sink to sprinkle his face with fresh water before making his way through the house, trying to find Elliot. As he walked by Elliot's study, he heard noises from upstairs. Somebody talking?</p><p>Robert raised an eyebrow, walking up the stairs to the TV room. It wasn’t like Elliot to hang around that room by himself…</p><p>Sure enough, upon reaching the room he found Elliot lying down, his long legs hung over one arm-lean of the couch, his hair spread out. The giant TV was on, apparently showing something to do with fishing.  </p><p>When Robert entered, Elliot turned the sound off immediately, looking up at him when he came into view, giving him a weak smile. “There you are...”</p><p>Robert smiled back, hesitantly, surprised to find the other here bur relieved to see him well-ish. He walked around the couch, sitting down beside the other couch-lean, careful to not accidentally sit on any hair. </p><p>As soon as he had situated himself, Elliot held up his own hair, moving his legs to scoot closer. Before long, his head lay in Roberts lap, his eyes closing again. Robert began massaging Elliot's scalp absentmindedly, putting his legs up on the couch table as he did, processing the events of the morning. </p><p>He let out a sigh, leaning his head back.</p><p>The tv annoyed him. They didn’t usually watched too much of it as they usually both had more interesting or important activities on their minds. They watched the news and weather reports In the morning and the kids were allowed to watch 30 minutes at night. Fridays they watched a movie together if they could find one and Saturday morning was family cartoon time…</p><p>He hadn’t seen this series before. Someone had been holding up the same fish for a solid 5 minutes, talking. He didn’t know what the man was saying but it sure seemed boring…</p><p>“Eli… what is this?”, he asked after a while when the man had been joined by another man, gaping at the fish like he’d never seen one before. </p><p>Elliot barely moved, his eyes still closed. “hmm… I believe its called.. ‘perfect blue’… Willy never shuts up about it...” he murmured. “Can’t say I care for it...” After a moment he reached one arm up, offering the remote to Robert, who took it and turned off the TV. “Then why’d you watch it?”</p><p>Elliot didn’t reply for a moment, then let out a sigh, opening his eyes for a moment, looking sad. “You know… putting your feet on the table is bad for the table.”</p><p>Robert rolled his eyes. “I bought the table. I can put my feet there if I please.”</p><p>Elliot looked away, not saying anything.</p><p>Robert sighed, taking his feet down. “I don’t think you’ve ever complained about that before.”</p><p>Elliot shrugged, sitting up. He half turned, still not meeting Roberts eyes. He seemed to contemplate something for a moment. Then he suddenly got up, reaching forward, grabbing Roberts feet. Robert let it happen, giving him a confused look as Elliot dragged him into a half-lying position on the sofa. The writer still looked down, seeming thoughtful for a moment. Then he crawled back onto the couch on his knees, moving between Roberts legs before lying down half- on top of him.</p><p>Robert let out an involuntary sigh of relaxation, clasping his arms around Elliot, breathing in the scent of his hair. He felt the morning fall away from him as he just bathed in this moment- Being able to lie here in peace, his love snuggled up close to him made everything else seem much less important or troubling. Here he could be in peace. At least, for a little while.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Aggressions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been a week since Haley had returned to town and she had <i>had</i> it.</p><p>She had spent every day at Leah's place this week, not wanting to leave her girlfriend alone – sadly it was not for the usual reasons.</p><p>They had only been back together for a few months now, everything only slowly getting back to a place they once were before, but seeing her like this, now…</p><p>Haley was furious.</p><p>She was making a soup for breakfast, knowing by now that Leah would refuse to eat anything solid, refuse to eat in the first place – all week she had been a depressed mess, crying all the time, her eyes so full of pain and shame. Soup had been the only thing she had tolerated, and only under protest. It wasn’t usually in Haley's nature to nurture others. She had never liked to cook, to clean, do any chores really. She knew she was spoiled like that and she had, over the years, worked on the amount she complained, at least.</p><p>Haley was furious at a lot of people at this time. She was mad at Harvey for talking about doctor-patient privilege, not giving her info on what had been done to Leah. Furious at Robert for not telling her what he quite obviously knew and enraged at Elliot for hiding behind Robert, not even having the courtesy to see Leah.</p><p>She was annoyed at Leah for not being stronger.</p><p>As long as she had known her, she had admired the young artist for her passion and strength. She had been through abuse and heartbreak, through a hard life in the city, no one believing in her, and yet she had found the strength to go on, to stay true to her dreams and ambitions, no matter what anyone else had said. And she was so vibrant in doing it. Her spirit had been indomitable. She didn’t waste time thinking that no one appreciated her or cared for her work. She knew what she wanted in life and didn’t take no for an answer. This woman did not suffer Fools.</p><p>But now it felt like that woman was gone.</p><p>A shallow husk of the person she had been, constantly apologizing without even saying what she was sorry for. She kept saying that she had betrayed everything she had stood for, everything she was in life-</p><p>That she didn’t deserve to live.</p><p>But she wouldn’t come out and say what had really, physically happened.<br/>
Haley was mad at herself for not preventing this.</p><p>She finished making the soup, put it on a tray and carried it back into the living room where Leah still slept. She placed the tray on the table and sat down, carefully stroking Leah's back, kissing her forehead, trying to wake her as gentle as possible.<br/>
Not something she’d used to do.</p><p>When they’d first been together, everything had been strangely wild. She hadn’t yet known what it meant to really be with someone, to really care what happened to the other beyond the reach of their monetary credibility. Their fling back then had been a strange mix of mutual artistic provocations and heated feminist discussions, cobbled together with a healthy amount of sexual experimentation.</p><p>This time, everything had been different. Much calmer. More appreciative of the finer nuances of the other. But now…<br/>
Now Haley just wanted to bite someones head off.</p><p>--------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Robert returned to the house, drenched in rain. He had brought the kids to school, fed the animals, set the new sprinklers, harvested the fruit from the trees and checked on the crab-pots and was now well and truly ready to collapse.</p><p>The last week had not been easy. It was less the fact the he virtually did all housely chores by himself right now, including getting the kids ready and back from school, cooking dinner as well as taking care of all matters farm related… It was the erosion of his husbands soul that truly drained his energy.<br/>
Every day Elliot moped around the house, barely willing to go outside, to eat or to even talk much at this point. Robert hadn’t seen him write since before-</p><p>...since before.. things had become difficult.</p><p>Elliot kept a nice face around the children. Claimed he had eaten dinner before they’d gotten home, watching tv with them – overall participating in activities that required as little energy as possible. </p><p>During the day he’d come up to Robert every so often, dragging him to a chair, burying his head in Roberts lap, his arms wrapped around Roberts middle. He barely cried, which was some relief to the black-haired one, but at night he still clung to him like he was afraid to just be whisked away by darkness.</p><p>Robert sighed, trying to stay positive. It had only been a week after all and Robert knew that this was still within very normal time-frames of rehabilitation after trauma.<br/>
It just killed him inside to see the man he loved suffering like this.</p><p>He opened the door with his hip, slipping out of his muddy shoes at the door, locking it, before walking in the kitchen. “I’ve brought Pomegranates!”, he yelled into the house, placing the baskets of fruit and seafood on the table.<br/>
“Thanks dear!”<br/>
Robert turned his head, positively surprised. He hadn’t actually expected any answer. When he had returned on previous days, Elliot had barely been out of bed at this point. Getting a vocal response had been even more rare. He tilted his head, trying to get a clear view of the Eastern side of the house and sure enough – he could see a hint of bronze hair inside Elliot's office.</p><p>Relief flooded through him, making him breath hard for just a moment. He rested his body-weight on his hands for a moment, leaning on the counter, closing his eyes. Breathing.</p><p>Seeing even a hint of Elliot just <i>being</i> back in that room was such a breath of normalcy, it was rejuvenating in its own right.</p><p>Robert started unloading the baskets, putting the different kinds of seafood into specific containers for the fridge when he heard Elliot approaching. Robert turned, giving him a soft smile. “Well, hello there. Nice to see you, love.”</p><p>Elliot nodded, returning the smile weakly. He still looked tired and pale but he had put on a clean shirt, a vest and a tie, looking sharper dressed than he’d been in a week.</p><p>He also looked noticeably thinner.</p><p>Robert tried burying that thought, keeping the positives in mind while his husband stepped up to him, putting a towel around his neck. “If you don’t get out of these wet clothes you’ll catch a cold...” His voice was quiet and a bit rough. He moved the towel around a moment, lifted it and nuzzled Roberts neck for just a moment before letting go again, scuffling off to sit at the table.<br/>
Robert turned, smiling at him tiredly while he dried off his hair. He stripped his wet shirt off, hanging it over the back of a chair. Then he dried off his upper body, noting with another twinge of hope how interested his husband seemed in the process.</p><p>He hung the towel over another chair and began putting the fruit away when Elliot made a disapproving sound. Robert looked over at him. Elliot sat at the table, his head rested between downside entwined fingers, shaking his head slightly. “tsk, tsk… Still wearing wet pants, I see. If you’re getting sick because of this, don’t expect me to take extra special care of you.” He gave Robert a teasing smile. Robert raised an eyebrow. “So… only special care for me, this time?” He hooked a finger into his waistband, sliding it across, motioning like he was about to slide out of his remaining clothes altogether. “I suppose you want me to strip right now so I can be sure not to get sick?”<br/>
Elliot smiled tiredly, getting up again. “As much as I’d like to see it...” He walked up, putting a warm, soft hand on Roberts chest. “I do think, another time might be more sensible.” He placed his other arm on Roberts shoulder, leaning forward, kissing him for just a moment. It was short, almost chaste in nature yet so much emotion seemed conveyed. Robert felt more relaxed almost immediately. They hugged for a moment, Robert trying not to transport his general lower wetness to the other when there was a loud banging on the door.<br/>
Elliot let out a short yelp, looking about ready to jump out of his skin. Robert held onto him, trying to keep him calm, stroking his back almost out of reflex. He tried separating from him when the yelling from the other side started.<br/>
“ROBERT! I KNOW YOU’RE HOME! OPEN THIS GODDAMN DOOR! I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SECRECY!”<br/>
Elliot shook, his eyes wide in sudden panic, huddling against Robert. His gaze seemed absolutely frozen in fear. Robert held him closer, trying to keep a calm demeanor but he too felt fairly disturbed by the sudden noise and the increasingly brutal banging on the door.</p><p><i>Is Haley infected? Why is she acting like this? I know things must be tough, but...</i><br/>
He stroked Elliot's back, hauling him out of the kitchen, away from the door, upstairs. He sat him down on the bed, the other still trembling in terror. Robert kissed his forehead, holding his hands. “I know. I know, I’m sorry.” He hugged him again. “I need to leave you for a moment, okay? Just a moment...” Elliot made a whining sound, seemingly not in full control of himself. His jaw and hands were clenched tight, his eyes rigid and glassy.</p><p>Robert felt terrible leaving him up here alone, but he would be damned if he exposed him to whatever was on the other side. He kissed his forehead again, trying to get loose but Elliot clasped to him still. His voice was thin. “...don’t...don’t leave me...please….please don’t...”</p><p>This was hell. Danger at the door and Elliot still… still like this…</p><p>Robert felt his heart break all over again. He hugged Elliot tight, kissing him. “I’ll be back. I’ll be right back. I promise I won’t leave.” And then he separated himself as quickly as he could, trying not to look back as he dashed down the stairs, grabbing his sword as he went, finally reaching the door.</p><p>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Haley’s hands hurt. She could tell her skin had burst at the knuckles but she didn’t care. Wild rage had taken hold of her and all the sadness and tears and frustrations of this week translated into blinding fury. She stopped for a moment, hearing movement inside, her breathing heavy. She rarely ever extended this much physical force outside of training sessions, but even though her hands were bleeding and her throat felt raw, it was satisfying. Her anger hadn’t quite subsided yet and she thought about yelling and yelling even more until something happened here, when the door finally opened. </p><p>Robert looked furious. She had a moment to notice the sword in his hand and perhaps another to realize that he was bare-chested when he grabbed her collar, dragged her forceful in a half circle and pushed her against the farmhouse. His face was thunderous as he kept her pinned to the wall with one hand, his sword held high with the other.<br/>
“What the HELL do you think you’re doing?! Are you INSANE? Are you possessed?!”<br/>
Haley stared in shock. She hadn’t known what she had expected. She had been blinded by anger, but she had never before been threatened like this. Robert looked every bit ready enough to kill her right here if she said the wrong thing and for just a moment it terrified her.</p><p>Then she remembered why she was here, her own face twisting in another angry grimace.<br/>
“Am I insane? Are you?! Do you have ANY idea what Leah is going through RIGHT NOW?! She’s killing herself with guilt and pain and I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! How can I help her when I DON’T FUCKING KNOW?! All the while, you and your good-for-nothing-husband sit here in peace while Leah-”</p><p>Robert slapped her so hard, for a moment she thought she lost a tooth.</p><p>“Don’t you dare.” He had dropped his sword but his eyes still stared daggers at her. “Don’t you dare talk about him. Not here. Not now, not after what you just did.”<br/>
Haley rubbed her face, instinctively thinking about slapping him back but for once, her reasoning got the better of her. She bared her teeth, grimacing. “If I have to keep talking like this to finally get you to tell me what in the HELL happened-”</p><p>“She almost raped him.”</p><p>Haley’s rage dissolved, replaced by unbelieving, despair, confusion-<br/>
“...What…? No! She… What are you talking about?! She’s mad with grief!”<br/>
“I KNOW!” Robert finally let go of her, bowing his head. “I… I GET that you’re angry. But please… Can’t you see all of us are hurting? It’s not that we don’t care how she’s doing, its that we barely made it ourselves!”<br/>
Haley felt the anger coming up again. She took a breath, considering to try and be more reasonable. The truth was, she had felt like confronting Robert a week ago already. The only reason she hadn’t done it had been that Leah had insisted she wouldn’t.<br/>
But she just hadn’t been able to take it anymore.<br/>
“So tell me. Just tell me, Robert. You already said this much, and frankly, I don’t buy it. She’d never hurt him like that, even if he is a doofus.”</p><p>Robert bared his teeth again, taking a measured breath. “She was controlled. She was abused and controlled. Her body was used without her control to sexually assault him. Assaulting herself in the process too, I suppose. I’d like to not go over the details, but that is what happened, that is why all of us are hurting like crazy and I’d very much appreciate it if you could leave us THE FUCK ALONE. I understand that you’re angry and hurt and maybe feel a bit helpless but I have given you all the info I can and I will not leave my husband alone one minute longer after you just triggered him all to hell!” he seemed incredibly angry, yelling still. “Oh, also both of them tried to kill themselves. So maybe you wanna look out for that.” He closed his eyes for a moment,  his face still a mess of anger and pain but when he looked back at her all she saw was the iron will to drive her out if he had to. He growled quietly. “Will you go now?! I told you literally all I can.”<br/>
Haley didn’t know what else to say or ask, a leaden weight filling her up inside as the truth of the matter came more clear to her, slowly. She gazed at the sword on the ground and back at Robert.<br/>
“You thought… You thought I was..what, possessed? You thought I had that too! That I was going to attack you.”<br/>
Robert hesitated a second, then nodded. “It was possible.”<br/>
“But now you don’t think so.”<br/>
He nodded again. “Pretty sure you’re just upset. Justified. But I am too. And I will go back into the house now, trusting that you leave.”<br/>
Haley stared at him as he picked up his sword, marching inside without a look back.<br/>
Suddenly, she felt very hollow and sad.<br/>
Then the rain started again.</p><p>-------------------------------------------------</p><p>Robert walked back inside, locking the door, putting up the deadbolt before leaning his sword next to the door.<br/>
Everything was terrible.<br/>
He staggered upstairs, his heart thrumming, his feet and heart heavy, terrified what he would find.</p><p>Had he removed all the sharp objects adjacent to their bedroom? There had been no way to get bathroom utensils without it being obvious what he was doing, but he had ‘accidentally’ misplaced Elliot's open razor blades to at least get some of the stuff away…</p><p>He opened the door slowly. Elliot was huddled on the bed, hugging a pillow, flinching as he came inside. Despite the hurt that shot through him upon seeing this reaction on his entrance, he couldn’t help but stand relieved.</p><p>He had half-feared to find him dead in a pool of his own blood.</p><p>Robert walked closer slowly, sitting down on the bed. Elliot looked up at him, his eyes still much too wide, much too scared. “Whats… Whats happening to me?”<br/>
Robert bend down, clasping his arms around his husband, pressing him as close as he could, trying to shield him from the darkness.<br/>
“I’m here. It’s okay. I’m here. You’re gonna be okay. I promise.” He kissed his neck softly, moving up to his temple, stroking him all the while. “You’re… you’re having a bad reaction to the stress. Its going to be okay. You’re safe. I promise that you’re safe.”<br/>
They remained in bed for some time, Robert trying to be as calming as he could, trying to get Elliot back to any kind of stable state while his innards rumbled in anger and despair.</p><p>Elliot had been doing so much better just a few hours earlier. Now his husband lay in his arms, terrified, his beautiful soul tormented by this wretched darkness. Again.<br/>
Robert kissed his forehead.<br/>
Somehow they had to get through this.<br/>
They had to.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Quiet of Night</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: Discussions of suicide</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Elliot woke up with a feeling of pressure on his head and in his jaw. It was still dark out, the waxing moon shining through their window.</p><p>He felt like crying.</p><p>Again.</p><p>He looked at Robert, lying by his side. Dark circles under his eyes. In the light of the moon Elliot could just about make out the fine lines were Roberts tears had run and dried.</p><p>
  <i>How much pain did you take through last week?</i>
</p><p>Elliot looked out the window.</p><p>The birds weren’t even singing yet.</p><p>He barely remembered the previous day.</p><p>He remembered being well in the morning. Robert coming home all drenched. They had exchanged a moment of pleasant closeness and then everything in his head had become noise and terror.</p><p>
  <i>What did happen? Who was that at the door? Why were they screaming?</i>
</p><p>The memory still send a chill down his spine. He wasn’t terrified as he had been the day before, but he felt a definite sense of strong fear.</p><p>Elliot had been mad with fear. He remembered that and it worried him. There had been no way to regain control – he hadn’t even been thinking. He had just wanted the noise to stop, had needed to be safe. He remembered Robert trying to calm him, fruitlessly, leaving him for a bit, looking grim. He had heard yelling from outside, unable to understand, worried if someone was going to hurt them. When Robert had returned after what had felt like an eternity, he had been breathing hard, his eyes so wild, so angry and scared.<br/>
Elliot stroked Roberts hair, gently kissing his temple.</p><p>He had to be stronger again.</p><p>Reacting like he had the previous day…</p><p>He couldn’t keep putting that strain on his husband. He had to get himself together, somehow. He needed help.</p><p>
  <i>Help… How do I get that? Who can help me? What can help me?</i>
</p><p> He sighed quietly, climbing out of bed, reaching for a robe, careful to stay as quiet as he could. He left through the TV room, sneaking down the stairs to his office.</p><p>He closed the door behind him, turning on the light, sitting down at his desk.<br/>
He hadn’t written anything since before all of this begun. He had been in his office the previous day, but… he hadn’t dared touching his feather. Something about doing it had felt like it belonged to another life.<br/>
He picked up his favorite quill, marveling at its color and quality. It was made from the feather of a wild duck, its core and outer coat was a deep red, its inner coat a deep blue. The quill was laced with delicate copper wiring and the highly flexible pen nip was made of solid tungsten.</p><p>It had been Roberts wedding gift for him. Even now he felt like weeping, grasping it in his hand – not just for its beauty but for what it represented.</p><p>And what he felt he was losing right now.<br/>
He picked up a piece of stationery and unscrewed his inkwell.</p><p>
  <i>“Dear Leah,</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I miss you. My friend.<br/>
In these dark days where so much wretched pain stands between us, I long for simpler times when we could talk without malice or distrust or fear, when we were not slaves to the powers that held us, captives of our trauma. I don’t even know what exactly happened to you…<br/>
My head is filled with such torturous imagery, I feel I could barely stand the sight of you without collapsing. It torments me to write this as I know it will torment you to read, for I care about you, my friend, very much. But though I usually cloth my articulaé in flourishes, you also know me to be clear when need be, and I do feel I need to be as honest as I can. How else can any of us heal if we have to keep second guessing where we stand and what damage either of us did while being under the spell of evil?<br/>
I cannot fathom the pain you must be feeling.<br/>
I lie awake at night, worried I don’t remember everything. Worried I did even more harm that I don’t even know about. The memories make me sick. I don’t want to remember anymore – I don’t want to picture you in these cruel scenarios. But though my mind knows it was only your body, abused as a tool, to hurt me, to hurt Robert, my mind still cannot form the right distinctions. I know it wasn’t you who did this. And I know you must be feeling abhorrent disgust at your ‘weakness’.<br/>
I know I feel it towards myself.<br/>
For a time, a part of me blamed Robert. He became part of the adventurer's guild and by being in his life, both of us likely became targets for the wretched entities. Perhaps you blame him yourself. I would understand if you did. As would he. He suffers so much-”</i>
</p><p>Elliot started crying. He put down his quill, careful not to spill any ink, leaning his face into his hands. He tried to keep quiet but at this moment the realization of what excruciating torment Robert had probably been going through, was still dealing with everyday, was too much.<br/>
It hurt so much.<br/>
He sobbed quietly, trying to breathe even and just let the emotion out.</p><p>Why did he have to be so goddamn weak?</p><p>Through all this pain, through all this conflict and heartbreak, Robert had remained steadfast, a rock in a sea of uncertainty and fears, while Elliot himself had been nothing but a sobbing mess, letting himself become a lethargic ghost of his former self. Where was the staunch young man he once was? Charging into the mine to rescue his husband in the face of danger? Where was his tranquil strength that had kept him sane through the years of daily heartache before he had met Robert? And didn’t he used to hold Robert at night when he went through phases of panic or crippling self-doubt? Now their roles were reversed...</p><p>What had happened to who he had been?</p><p>Elliot sighed, drying his eyes, rubbing his face clear of the tears.<br/>
Sobbing after his former confidence wouldn’t help anyone.</p><p>He pulled up the register for the surrounding towns when he heard steps climb down the stairs, hastily.</p><p>
  <i>Shoot. I hope I didn’t worry him...</i>
</p><p>The door opened a second later – Robert, clad in nothing but underwear, stared at him, looking alarmed. He was carrying his sword in his hand, letting it fall just now as he seemed to recognize Elliot, leaving out a puff of relief. “...you’re here.” His voice was breathless and he closed his eyes for a moment in an apparent effort to calm down.</p><p>“Yeah...sorry. I didn’t want to wake or worry you even more...” Elliot got up, closing the door behind Robert to lower the chance of them waking the kids. He took the sword from his hand, placing it on his table, encircling the other with his arms. Robert let out a shuddering sigh as he returned the embrace. After a few moments, Elliot noted how cold Robert was getting, yet the mans clasped made clear that he did not wish to leave soon. Elliot wrangled himself enough space in Roberts grasp so he could manage to open his rather wide robe, wrapping the other up with him inside. They pressed together close, their heads rested against each other, breathing.<br/>
After a while, Robert started trembling. Elliott stroked him as well as he could through the robe, softly kissing his hair.</p><p>“I thought...” Roberts voice was thin. Scared. He looked up at Elliot. “I thought you were… When I woke up and you were gone, I- I was so worried you had-”<br/>
Elliot felt like a bucket of ice had dropped into his stomach, realizing what the other was saying.</p><p>
  <i>He thought I might have… that...</i>
</p><p>His breath froze for a moment, recognizing all the little signs, all the small worried looks and missing utensils.</p><p><i>He thought I might hurt myself… kill myself...</i> </p><p>That was why he had insisted on shaving him that day… why his razor blades kept disappearing, why he couldn’t find scissors and way too many knifes ended up in the dishwasher all the time…!<br/>
Elliot was shocked.</p><p>
  <i>Did I...? Do I not remember some things..?!</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Did I try before?!?!</i>
</p><p>He let out a whine, picturing the scene, picturing Robert trying to get him to not harm himself, watching over him, worrying anytime he left the house.<br/>
He suddenly remembered trying to open his veins with a cutter. Robert fighting him for the blade, desperately talking to him while he had held on to it, pressing the blade onto his skin-<br/>
Elliot breathed faster, his hands almost cramping around Roberts torso. He started kissing him, emotions racing for superiority in his heart, the memory circling before his eyes. He was terrified he could have died. He was scared what else he had forgotten.<br/>
He was insanely furious with himself, putting his love through this – not even knowing-<br/>
“I’m so sorry.” He kissed his cheek, his brow, his forehead, stroking his head, holding him, trembling with anger and fear. “I didn’t… I didn’t know...”<br/>
He couldn’t stop thinking about it, silent tears running from his eyes. If he had been successful in that moment..<br/>
He would have died in Roberts arms. His love would have had to live with the memory of his husband killing himself. Staying behind with two kids.<br/>
Blaming himself for them losing their father.</p><p>---------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Leah woke up early. Her mouth tasted like death. She tried getting up without waking Haley, the other half-slumped over her in sleep. Leah wriggled out of bed, getting to the bathroom, grabbing her toothbrush.<br/>
<i>When did I last brush my teeth anyway?</i><br/>
The last week was a confusing haze, days of misery blending into one another, a veiled mess of angst and tears.</p><p>She brushed her teeth thoroughly, scraped her tongue, even used floss. It gave her a strange feeling of calmness doing it. She glanced at the shower, considering her options for a moment. She wasn’t sure when she had last showered – it was sometime after Haley had brought her back from the hospital, the beautiful blonde insisting she needed to freshen up a little – but it had been torment. She had felt like she had been drenched in blood that wouldn’t come off, despite there never being anyone's blood to begin with…</p><p>Leah stripped, stepping into the shower, taking down the shower-head before turning the water on. She started off slow, sprinkling her legs until the temperature was right and the water didn’t feel so odd on her skin anymore, fastening the shower-head low so it would only wet her lower half for now.</p><p>For quite some time she had felt like she had killed Elliot.</p><p>She rinsed a wash cloth and started scrubbing her legs.</p><p>Leah had known that Elliot would have to be physically safe. Probably. Maybe. She would have heard if she had actually injured him, wouldn’t she have?</p><p>But the look of terror on his face as she was hovering above him…</p><p>The desolate self-hate when she had pushed him out the door…</p><p>These memories were burned into her head. As the entity had send him on his way she had almost <i>heard</i> the creature chuckle inside of her, darkly, Convinced somewhere that <i>everything was going according to plan</i> and that <i>both of them were done for</i>.</p><p>The creature had been sure that Elliot and Robert would kill themselves.</p><p>Leah cried silently, setting the shower-head higher, raining onto her face and hair. She didn’t feel as shaken about it has she had before. Remembering that foul thought in her own mind was still terrible, but by now a cool numbness had spread through her and she could look at it a bit more neutral.</p><p>She had been controlled. Knowing it didn’t make it any easier-</p><p>Well, maybe a little bit. Having the confirmation from an actual wizard that it had been an entity inside of her, making her do these things and that she hadn’t gone full-blown psychotic monster by herself was <i>some</i> relief on some level…</p><p>But she remained afraid it would happen again. She had no memory of how it had come to pass in the first place. How could she prevent it from happening again if she didn’t know? How could she protected those she loved if she had no power of her own? </p><p>She washed her hair, the act making her strangely more anxious.</p><p>
  <i>Elliot… I… I hope you’re okay..somehow...</i>
</p><p>She felt another wave of desperation threaten to overcome her. Being here with Haley had been helpful for her, having someone around who cared, continuing to be separated from other people-<br/>
but everyday she had wondered if she would hear that-<br/>
that-</p><p>Leah’s breathing quickened. She tried to keep herself calm, focusing on her breath, counting the bottles in the shower-shelf.</p><p>She had been expecting to hear about Elliot killing himself. A part of her had still been so sure that he would do it. That the seed of darkness had poisoned him too far. She couldn’t tell if it was the leftover-conviction of the entity or her own estimation of how deeply he had been hurt. He had always been so sensitive.</p><p>She stepped out the shower, grabbing a towel. The sun had started to rise outside and the room was starting to light up in the early morning sun. She dried herself off, giving her worn clothes a calculating gaze before deciding against them.</p><p>Her gaze lingered below the mirror. She saw herself naked in her own peripheral vision. She hesitated to actually look at herself, a part of her convinced that she had been physically tainted by what had happened, large oozing wounds appearing over her body, showing the abuse her mind and body had gone through-</p><p>She looked up. Her body looked perfectly normal. Her light complexion as even as ever. She inspected her upper body and found that her rib-cage seemed a little bit more pronounced than usual.</p><p>
  <i>Right… I guess I really haven’t been eating too much...</i>
</p><p>She sighed, stepping up to the mirror, inspecting her face. It wasn’t as bad as she had thought it would be, but her eyes still looked...older. Much older. Maybe it was the weary despair she felt right now and nothing permanent, but she felt like she had aged ten years in the last week, the skin under her eyes seeming a bit raw, almost thinner than it used to be…</p><p>She applied lotion on her face, spreading it out down her shoulders, down her body, slowly…<br/>
Her hair dried slowly.</p><p>She gazed at the blonde, still in bed, smiling lopsided.</p><p>
  <i>I’ll never hear the end of this...</i>
</p><p>Haley was <i>not</i> the bed-caring type of partner. She had known that from the start. It wasn’t that the photographer didn’t care how she was doing – Leah knew she did, not just from the last week – it just wasn’t her way of showing it. If one was sick, couples should stay apart so as to not infect each-other. Bringing by supplies was one thing but coming inside, possibly risking infection with whatever the other one had come down with? No way, Not ever. A couple of years before, she herself had come down with a fewer and had staunchly refused to let Leah in, accepting a phone call and prepared ingredients that were dropped in front of her door but had insisted she stayed out of the house and away from her, no matter how bad she was doing. It had driven Leah crazy, herself very much being of a caring nature…</p><p>But through this week, Haley had barely left her side. Preparing food for her and making her eat it too. Stroking her as she cried and babbled nonsense and just generally <i>being</i> there. Leah smiled a little bit. She decided to forgo searching for more clothes and went back to bed, cuddling up to her girlfriend, happy she wasn’t alone in this. </p><p> </p><p>---------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Robert woke with a start, sitting up immediately. Elliot murmured at the sudden movement but didn’t stir much. Robert looked at him, breathing hard, trying to calm his mind.<br/>
That dream.<br/>
Again.<br/>
He had entered Elliot’s office and found him dead on the floor. This time it had been pills – an empty bottle of sleep medication beside his head, his body stiff and cold. His face caked in old tears.</p><p>He searched Elliot's hand, holding it, kissing it, trying to focus on reality.<br/>
Elliot was here and alive. He wasn’t going anywhere. He was here – breathing, warm-<br/>
He checked his pulse.</p><p>...he had a pulse as well. No reason to think him dead.</p><p>Robert looked out the window, trying to get his mind together.</p><p>The last 24 hours had been such an up-and-down of emotion, it was hard to imagine how he should function through this day normally. Waking his children and getting them ready was one thing – but how would it be to bring them into town? What if he ran into Haley? Had he hit her hard enough to cause a serious injury?</p><p>When it had happened he had bared no thought to her well-being. Seeing Elliot in that state of total terror had turned off all inhibitions in his mind in regards to violence or really anything else. He had been mad in fear that Elliot would hurt himself while he was alone in that state. Her bad-mouthing him in that situation…<br/>
He shuddered.<br/>
After it had happened, he’d spend hours consoling Elliot slowly etching him back from the panic till he got calm enough to at least be able to take something to relax.</p><p>
  <i>No wonder it was sleeping pills in this dream...</i>
</p><p>...Which was probably why he had woken up in the middle of the night, having gone to sleep at 5pm beforehand.</p><p>Robert looked at him for a moment, then laid back down, snuggling up to him from behind. He breathed in the scent of his husbands hair slowly, trying to calm down without falling asleep.<br/>
Elliot stirred, mumbling, reaching out with one hand, patting Roberts upper leg. “mm’ou oke’?”<br/>
Robert sighed, spooning closer, one hand on Elliot's stomach, the other on his chest, feeling for the reassurance of his heartbeat. “yeah… just… thinking.”<br/>
Elliot found his hand, squeezing it. “Well.. I’m here. I know I haven’t been… easy, lately. But I can still listen to you. Even if I seem distant. I care.”</p><p>Robert sighed, kissing Elliot's shoulder. He did feel the desperate need to talk about the events of the previous day, the previous weeks, really, but talking to Elliot didn’t seem like a good idea and he lacked a confidant outside this house. The truth of the matter was that he had always been a lonesome person, never good at approaching anyone, not great at making friends. It wasn’t that he didn’t care about others. He just didn’t know how to forge a deep friendship. Sure, he was <i>friendly</i> with most of the townspeople, he knew many of them considered him their friend and he would certainly come to anyone's aid if they needed his help for any reasons.</p><p>But he lacked a feeling of true closeness with anyone aside from his family.<br/>
He kissed his husbands neck.</p><p>Sometimes he still wondered how they had ended up together in the first place.</p><p>“So, you’re gonna finish writing that letter to Leah?”<br/>
Elliot seemed to be thinking for a moment. “Yeah. It… In a strange way, it really helped me, writing that. I think it… channels some of the… problems. I’m still terrified to see her. But… writing seems good.” He sighed. “It felt really good to hold a quill again too. Even if it… kinda made me remember stuff.” He turned around, folding himself around his husband, kissing his brow. “But I… in a strange way, it calmed me. Its like… putting the thoughts into a file cabinet. They are still available, but they’re… less out in the open.”<br/>
Robert hummed understanding, pressing his head into Elliot's back again, slowly relaxing.<br/>
If he could just stay here a bit more, feeling his husbands warmth with him...maybe everything would be okay. Somehow.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Normalcy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Leah cried out in fear and shock. She had been cuddled up to Haley for some time, spooning her from behind when the other had woken eventually, turning. Leah hadn’t looked at her face before and now that she did she felt like crying all over again.</p><p>The left side of Haley's face was a purple, bruised mess, her eye swollen and dark around the edges, her jaw mildly swollen with varying shades of blue. She looked miserable. “Hey… sorry, I-” The blonde touched her face, wincing. “Ouch. He really did a number there...” She glanced at Leah's naked form, giving her an appreciative smile despite her apparent pain. “Well, look who decided to shower...” Her voice was kind and teasing, the effect somewhat ruined by the state of her face. Leah grabbed her hand, trembling, shaking her Leah's slightly. “Haley! Who...who did this? What happened?”</p><p>Haley groaned, wriggling herself out of Leah's grasp, getting up. “Let me just.. get something cold for that, yeah?” She staggered towards the freezer, Leah staring after her. “Haley… please. What happened?!”</p><p>The blonde sighed. She got out a cool pack, wrapped it in a towel and pressed it to her face. “aah… I should have done that last night...”</p><p>Leah watched her come closer, noting the state of her hands. She shook her head, unbelieving. “Your knuckles are all bruised too… Haley, were you <i>in a fight</i>?!”</p><p>Haley shrugged. “I mean.. in a way. But.. not how you’re thinking probably...” She sat down, taking the artists hand. “I… I’m sorry, sweetie.” She gave her a soft kiss on the cheek. “I… I talked to Robert.”<br/>
Leah sucked in her breath, surprised, almost shocked. “What!? I told you-”<br/>
“I know!” Haley's eyes were hard. “But I couldn’t keep watching you waste away like that! You wouldn’t tell me what had happened and I couldn’t get any answers from anywhere else. So I made Robert tell me.”</p><p>Leah rubbed her face, fresh tears falling, despair rising up in her again. That phrasing paired with those injuries…<br/>
Images were conjured up in her head of the two of them slugging it out but they vanished quickly again. Haley had been doing some kick-boxing for a while but Robert fought literal monsters on a regular basis. There was no way Haley would have even remotely been a match…<br/>
Leah sighed, trying to stay calm, trying to not think about how all this probable chaos would have affected-</p><p>
  <i>Elliot...</i>
</p><p>Another tear slid down her face. She took a breath. “T-Tell me what happened.”<br/>
Haley sighed, looking away for a moment, annoyed. “Look, I was mad, okay? I know what I did wasn’t all that clever, maybe, but at least I got results!”<br/>
Leah trembled. “Please...” She kissed Haley's injured knuckles. “Just..just tell me, please.”<br/>
Haley hesitated. “I… went to Roberts house. It was raining. I was… Look, I didn’t think he would talk to me if I didn’t put in some pressure and I was really mad, so I kinda hammered at his door pretty loud without ringing first. I might have.. yelled something. A little bit. Nothing unjustified.”<br/>
Leah groaned but nodded, trying to just make her tell what was going on without too many breaks.<br/>
Haley wouldn’t meet her eyes. “It took a while and… me beating the door is how my hands got like this, so its not like we had a big fight or anything-”<br/>
Leah whined quietly. Haley's face looked so bad, yet the woman was so-<br/>
“Anyway, Robert came out after a bit...” Haley seemed uneasy. “He had his sword on him. I think he was expecting someone or something else. Didn’t even put a shirt on. I mean, I get he wants to show off his guns but he could have been a <i>little</i> bit more respectful in such a moment-”<br/>
“Haley.” Leah gave her as stern a look as she could manage. “You’re deflecting. Just <i>tell me</i>.”<br/>
Haley sighed, shaking her head. “Look, what he told me… I can’t believe it. I just can’t. Or, not really. he...” She trembled just a moment, taking Leah's hand again. “He told me you...uhm. Sexually assaulted Elliot. That you tried to kill yourself.” She kissed Leah's hand, moving closer. “And...none of that is you. You’ve always been so strong. And you’ve always liked that doofus writer way more than he deserved-”<br/>
“Stop it.” Leah kept her voice strong but the tears wouldn’t stop running. “Stop it, dammit. He’s my best friend and I… I hurt him so much. I still see his face when it happened. I… I’m so afraid for him.” She shuddered. “They told me, the entity tried to ‘end me’ after the ‘mission’. That they wanted to make sure the damage was maximized by… terminating my life and all chance for recovery in the end.”<br/>
“Well, then they obviously fucking failed because you’re still here with me!” Haley put down the cool pack, exposing her injured face before hugging Leah tightly. “You’re still with me and those shadow entities can go fuck themselves. They will never take you away from me!”</p><p>They hugged for a moment, holding each-other tight, breathing, both trying to calm down.</p><p>After a bit, Leah moved back a little, reaching out for the cool-pack, gently pressing it back against Haley's face. “Just… what happened there? You’re not telling me everything.”<br/>
Haley shrugged, taking the cool-pack away from her. “Robert punched me. Or rather, slapped me, I guess. Felt like a punch though. For a moment there I thought he’d slapped my teeth out.” She reached inside her mouth, feeling around with her fingers. “Still feels like it, honestly. But they seem to be fine...”<br/>
“But <i>why</i> did he hit you?!”<br/>
Haley rolled her eyes, looking away. “I may have...insulted Elliot a little.”</p><p>Leah groaned, hiding her face. “Yeah… that would do it...” She felt a twinge in her heart. Leah didn’t really want to know what Haley had said <i>exactly</i>, but he could imagine it. Robert slapping her seemed like an understandable reaction…<br/>
<i>Gawd, the kids too… It must be so bad for all of them right now. And Haley went and stirred it all up even more...</i> She cried some more, the emotion over-spilling. “Did...did he say anything about...Is Elliot…?!”<br/>
“Not really. He just said they ‘barely made it themselves’ and that I had triggered Elliot ‘all to hell’, whatever that means. He was… very, very angry.”<br/>
“Oh god...Oh god no...” Leah clawed her hands into her face and head, bowing her head. If Elliot had heard Haley damn near burst the door down, yelling god knew what, it was pretty obvious how that would have affected him in the state he must already have been in. Shaken by fear. Hiding. Terrified that they would come for him again. Hurt him again. Kill all he loved.</p><p>And Robert would have had to leave him alone. Alone to stand against his fear – after Elliot must’ve been suicidal too, while he was in that state of fear, his husband would have had to leave him to make the danger go away.<br/>
Leah cried out in pain and horror, engulfed by despair and sadness.<br/>
She had wanted to know for certain that Elliot was still alive. But not like this.<br/>
And what if… What if, during that time… When Robert had to be outside… When Elliot had to have been trembling with fear, mad with anxiety, what if…?!<br/>
She cried out more, shaking, vaguely noting Haley grasp her again, trying to still her, mumbling something. But the torment of her heart had captured Leah whole, a crying fit engulfing her body.</p><p>
  <i>Elliot...please...please be safe. God please…. Please don’t...don’t….Elliot… Please just...don’t give in to the darkness...</i>
</p><p> </p><p>----------------------------------------------------------------</p><p> </p><p>Elliot went into his sons room, making his way through a few plushys on the floor to his bed. “Good morning, my young lepidopterist.” He ruffled Ephraim's hair, trying to get him to wake up.</p><p>The kid turned, looking at him with the excitement only little kids managed this early in the day. “Papah!” he threw his arms around Elliot, hugging him tight. The man smiled, warm peace overwhelming. He lifted his son up and kissed his forehead. “I love you so much, son...” he started walking out of the room with the boy. “...but that doesn’t mean you get to sleep in longer.” Ephraim squealed, sleep forgotten, tumbling around in his arms until Elliot gave in, swinging the kid over his shoulder, Ephraim's head down, Elliot bending backwards to spin the kid around as he squealed in delight. Elliot put him back upright, holding him close again.</p><p>While he had been caring for the kids in Roberts absence he had been incapable of feeling any real joy in his kids. They had been quiet too and he knew they had been worried, feeling his distress, even though he had done whatever he could to keep it from them.<br/>
Cradling his son now he felt like weeping at they sheer joy of life in his arms. He kissed his son again, setting him down. “Alright, now to the bathroom you go and then breakfast, alright?”<br/>
“Can I get coco?!”<br/>
Elliot fake-sighed, giving the kid a fake-stern look. “Maybe… but only if you go to the bathroom and get dressed right now.”</p><p>The kid sped away, a whirlwind of energy. Elliot went back to the kitchen where Robert was already making coffee, their daughter munching on a bowl of muesli with fresh apples. Elliot sat down, marveling at his family. Despite the panic-attack on the previous day, he felt comparatively unburdened right now. His kids were healthy and safe. His husband was by his side, handing him a cup of coffee and they were all still together.</p><p>He took a sip of coffee and froze for a moment, staring at it.<br/>
Robert sat down, smiling at his reaction. Elliot set down the mug, looking at it, blinking. He took a breath, lifting the mug again, staring at it before he took another sip, hesitantly. He set the mug down again, his mouth a thin line, blinking. “This is...good coffee.” He looked at Robert, confused, taking another sip, the other watching him in quiet happiness.<br/>
Elliot had refused to drink coffee since Robert had gotten back. He hadn’t even been able to stomach the smell.<br/>
This time he hadn’t even thought about it until after he had already started drinking it. He relaxed slightly, closing his eyes, breathing. It was so strange because it was so normal.</p><p>“Daddy, is Jenny gonna be back again today? Penny said they would be back in school today!”<br/>
Robert nodded. “As far as I know, they and Felix are back from their grandparents and will attend class with you again today.”<br/>
Ayleen squealed. “Then I can finally tell them about my new fish! I got all the stones and the birds and we’re gonna build the castle now!”<br/>
Robert blinked, seemingly trying to decipher the second part of the sentence, nodding. “Yes...that sounds great, honey.”<br/>
Elliot chuckled. He had missed this so much. He grabbed an orange and put it in front of him, looking at it.<br/>
Eating still felt… challenging. He felt no hunger. No appetite. He didn’t want to eat anything, really. </p><p>But he knew he had to. The few times Robert had more or less forced him to eat something it had made him feel horrible, even though he could tell that his body was crying out for sustenance, his legs often feeling weak, his stomach cramping, occasional dizziness making it hard to keep a good posture.<br/>
He wouldn’t get better unless he worked on it actively. He grabbed a sharp knife and a fork, putting the orange on a board. He felt his families eyes on him but tried not being too self-conscious about it as he started dissecting the fruit.<br/>
“Whatcha doing Papah?!” Ephraim had made it to the kitchen table, wearing a colorful shirt the wrong way around, matched with yellow shorts.<br/>
Robert grumbled at the kids outfit. “That… won’t do.” he gave Elliot a questioning look. The writer shrugged. “I usually let them pick themselves first, then breakfast, and then I dress them for outside after. Works well for me and gives them a chance to learn about their own style choices.”<br/>
Robert rolled his eyes, shrugging. He got up again, preparing a bowl of muesli for his son. “What fruit do you want, kiddo?”<br/>
“Peaches!”<br/>
Robert mumbled, cutting the fruit, putting the bowl on the table. He noticed both his kids watching Elliot with great interest and grinned.</p><p>The writer had finished cutting away the skin and was now carefully separating the different pieces of the orange, staring at them until Ephraim seemed to remember his priorities. “Papah! You said I’d get coco!” Elliot dropped his head a little.<br/>
<i>Forgot. Damn.</i> he moved to get up but Robert placed a hand on his shoulder, gently pressing him back down. “I’ll take care of it...”</p><p>---------------------------------------------------</p><p>They had spend the morning in blissful peace. Despite the horror of the previous day, to Roberts immeasurable relief Elliot had been almost...normal this morning. He’d even eaten an orange… or most of it. Ephraim had stolen a slice...</p><p>When his husband had announced he would come with them so they could drop off the kids together Robert was torn between delight and terror. Having him not stay alone by himself would be a relief- him leaving the house at all would be a first since Robert had returned.<br/>
He couldn’t stop thinking about Haley. He hadn’t told Elliot what had happened – chances were, the man wasn’t even aware that it had been Haley out there to begin with. If they ran into her right now…<br/>
But they couldn’t hide forever. Things would never improve if they did and Elliot actively taking steps to participate in community life again was definitely a hopeful sign.</p><p>They got ready to leave, dressing light. Robert made sure the kids wore their wind-breakers and water-tight shoes before they stormed out of the house. He casually strapped on his sword, trying to make it seem like an afterthought without much meaning and not something he had been doing every time he left the house now.</p><p>Glancing at Elliot putting on his familiar red coat, Robert noted how stiff his motions were, his gaze held low. The man seemed determined but so very uneasy...<br/>
Robert stepped up to him, leaning against his side, rubbing his head against his shoulder, stroking his back. Elliot hung his head, sighing. He turned, hugging Robert, clinging to him, trembling slightly. The Farmer kissed his temple, holding him close. “You can still change your mind, you know.”<br/>
Elliot shook his head, still holding on. “I… I need to do this. I’m sure. I’ll be okay.”<br/>
They rested their heads against eachother for a moment, breathing quietly. They kissed, then let go, linking hands. As they left the house, Robert felt his husband tremble again. He squeezed his hand but didn’t slow down. Determined to be as normal as possible.</p><p>They made their way towards town quietly. The kids ran around, commenting about anything around, excited to see their friends. As they crossed into town Robert felt Elliot freeze, his breath suddenly quickening. Robert glanced at the kids, still busy running around, then looked at his husband. His eyes too wide, shivering. Robert linked their arms, trying to increase contact without making anything too obvious to possible onlookers. “Its okay. You’re safe. Its all fine, okay? Lets just..keep walking slowly. it’ll be fine.”<br/>
Elliot gave a tiny nod, slowly moving forward again. He kept trembling on their way to the library but kept the pace more or less even. Robert kept talking to the kids, keeping the cheery charade going, squeezing Elliot's hand in between. They reached the library after what seemed like an eternity.<br/>
The kids ran towards their friends, Ayleen hugging Penny's kids delighted, Ephraim smiling at them a bit more hesitantly. Felix hugged him on their own. Penny walked up to them, a big smile on her face. “Oh hey! Haven’t seen you two together for quite some time! How nice to see you!”<br/>
Elliot went rigid again while Robert tried his best to plaster a smile on his face, giving her a warning glance towards the children. “Yeah, well, Elliot's still a bit under the weather and can’t talk well yet. He had a bad cold, you know? But we figured the fresh air would do him good.” Penny nodded slowly, her eyes darting between the two of them, looking concerned. “Uh...sure. Right. Yeah, he already didn’t look too well week before last, guess that was...that.” Her mouth was a thin line, all of them knowing that she did not believe a word. “Well… its good to see you two. And the kids are pretty excited to be back so I guess Ayleen and Ephraim will be pretty pumped out when you get them later...” She hesitated, then stepped up to them, placing one hand on each of their shoulders. “Its really good to see you two- like this again. And...I can see its difficult. But you’ll pull through. And I’m still your friend, yeah? Let me know if… if we can do anything.”<br/>
Robert nodded, baring his teeth. He reached out with his free hand, patting Penny's affectionately for a moment. “Thanks. Its… We’ll be okay. Thanks.”</p><p>He guided Elliot outside carefully, casually walking him around the museum till they reached the western side, moving out of view.<br/>
Elliot fell into his arms, sobbing, clawing his fingers into his shirt as he did. Robert held onto him, kissing his hair, rocking him slightly. “Its okay… It’s okay...” he kissed his temple, softly rubbing his face against the side of his head. “You did good. You’re safe. I’m here. You’re gonna be fine...”</p><p>---------------------------------------------------</p><p>They stayed like this for a while when Elliot finally felt the fog lift from his head again. The fear didn’t vanish, but the mindless panic left him and he started to feel like he could breath a little again. He let go of his husband, trying to regain his composure. “I…Its okay now. I think.” He looked around. It was a sunny autumn day. The sun was shining through the still-green leaves, the birds were singing… A beautiful day that seemed strangely distant and unreal to him. He noticed all of the markers of pleasant weather and good company, yet nothing truly seemed to reach him. He sighed, taking Roberts hand again. They didn’t talk, Elliot leading them south.</p><p>He stopped when they reached the beach, closing his eyes as the ocean air washed over him, a cool breeze on his worn soul. He let go of Roberts hand, breathing, slowly sinking to his knees, trekking his hands through the cold sand, trying to take in the depth of the scenery. He felt Robert sit down beside him, barely touching.<br/>
Elliot focused on breathing. The sea air always did have a positive effect on him and sitting here by the ocean again after what had probably been over two months since he’d just been here, relaxing quietly, just breathing and taking in the salty goodness…<br/>
He let out a long sigh, moving aside a little bit to have more space, lying down in the cool sand. He knew it wrecked havoc on his hair and wardrobe but at this moment, he didn’t care.<br/>
Lying here in the cool sand, he finally felt at peace again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Out of the Frying pan...</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They made their way back into town, circling left towards the adventurers guild to pick up the protective charms. Robert had offered to go by there by himself but Elliot had insisted it was fine and he’d feel better if they didn’t spend too much time apart at this time.<br/>
Robert stopped short of the entrance, seeming a bit uneasy. “Are you… Are you sure you’re okay with this? I don’t want to leave you outside this place by yourself, but in there…. Well.” he sighed. “Look, depending on who’s there, they might give you a bit of the stink eye...”<br/>
Elliot raised an eyebrow, questioning. “Why? Because I’m keeping you away from here?”<br/>
Robert shrugged. “Its part of the reason. I didn’t come to the meeting when they wanted me here and most of them either know why or can figure it out. They...might not be too pleased.”<br/>
Elliot looked at the building, unsure what he expected. He shrugged. “I’d rather be by your side than apart from you right now.” Robert gave him an insecure smile, pushing the door open.</p><p>Entering the guild at his side, Elliot was immediately stricken by how...normal it looked. The interior architecture was similar to any other house in town, though its walls were lined with a number of weapons, artifacts and odd shrouds. There was a board with photographs near the door as well as a blackboard with notes and bulletins, the room itself housing a number of tables and workbenches, a surprisingly large number of people quietly discussing or working on something together.<br/>
Walking towards the counter, staying close to his husband he did notice a lot of people giving him guarded or calculated glances. Not necessarily unfriendly, just extremely wary. Only a blonde woman towards the end of the hall seemed to give him an outright despising look. The people were all clad in cloaks or battle gear, many sporting weapons or working on little artifacts.<br/>
<i>Robert….what kind of people have you been working with?</i><br/>
He noticed Robert walking with a lot wider stance in here, his shoulders squared, his head held high.<br/>
<i>Coming in here with me in tow must wreak hell on his image</i> Suddenly he wasn’t too sure if it had been a good idea to join him…</p><p>Robert walked up to the counter, raising his chin a little higher. “Marlon. Do you have my order ready?”<br/>
The grizzled old man gave him an even look. “Robert. We missed you at the meeting. Would have been good to have you there.” He gave the writer a look. “Good to see you’re doing better, Elliot.”<br/>
There was a sudden change in the atmosphere of the room. Like a wave of sudden understanding went through the room.<br/>
Elliot couldn’t say that he liked the change, giving Marlon a tight nod in response.</p><p>Marlon made a show out of removing a wooden box from underneath the counter, seeming thoughtful. “You know, Robert… We did have some important information we wanted to talk to you about. About the attacks on you and your family. Recently and… in the past year. Something bigger is afoot.” He looked around the room. “And I wanted to talk to you about our next move. There is a reason so many of us are gathered here right now, from so many surrounding bases… We’re preparing to attack their base in the crimson badlands very soon.”</p><p>Elliot felt like the ground was dropped out from under his feet. His sight failing, he had barely noticed Robert tensing increasingly at the old mans words, his hand moving to the hilt of his sword. Elliot barely kept himself from trembling. <i>Don’t….Don’t do this to me….Please...god no. Please don’t do it...</i> He was suddenly mad with very real fear that Robert would be tempted to join them in the attack. That he would, for whatever reason, think it was worth risking his life over this.<br/>
Robert squeezed his hand, turning, strong eyes giving him a reassuring look before he turned back to Marlon. “You know I won’t join you, Marlon. I won’t risk my families safety anymore.”<br/>
Marlon hummed. “Actually, you’re probably putting them more at risk by not going. There might be an attack here while we’re at the stronghold. You’re a high-value-target, Robert. If you stay here, there’s a good chance they will attack your house. If you’re visible on the front lines, they’ll be focusing on crushing our attack there-”<br/>
“Do you seriously expect me to leave my family alone when you’re telling me there might be a chance they’ll be attacked during all this?! If there’s a heightened chance of danger then-”<br/>
“Then they would be safest at Magnus’ place.”</p><p>There was a moment of silence between them, the air thick with tension.</p><p>Robert shook his head. “I can’t… I can’t do this. Just give me the charms. Here’s the gold.” He put the bag of gold on the counter, Marlon sliding over the charms. “You can’t just run from this, Robert. People are still looking to you for guidance.”<br/>
Elliot felt Robert tremble beside him, his jaw rigid. “If it wasn’t right now. If it wasn’t like this...” He shook his head. “I might consider it...but like this...” He turned, looking around the room. “I know many of you are disappointed in me. Disappointed that I’m...turning my back on you. But I told all of you a year ago that I would be pulling back. I told all of you that I’d still have your back, but only to a point. That my family came first. Two weeks ago, my family was viciously attacked – I’m assuming that most of you know that.” He grabbed squeezed Elliot’s hand almost too strong, tense. “I’m not going to put them on the line again. I know all of you understand. Even if you’re bitter about it. I have nothing but the utmost respect for all of you, you know that. And I will support you all in other ways again. But not now.” He grabbed the wooden box from the counter, dragging Elliot towards the exit quickly. He let himself get dragged, relieved that Robert had refused the request so clearly while at the same time, overwhelming worry boiled inside of him.</p><p>If an attack really was coming...</p><p>If Robert was a high-value target and would likely have people coming after him...</p><p>Then maybe...Maybe, Marlon was right.</p><p>He hated the thought of Robert standing at the front lines of anything, desperately afraid to lose him or to have him come home injured, possibly losing limbs or eyes or getting burned in battle…<br/>
But their kids had to have priority. How could anyone make better assumptions about these things strategy than the people who’d spend all their life fighting it?</p><p>They stepped out, Robert seemingly all but collapsing from the stress. He set the box on the ground, leaning on his knees, breathing heavy. “Fuck. God. Goddamn.” He groaned. “That...goddamn Bastard. Pushing my buttons like that! With you right there!” He worked to get his breathing under control while Elliot still stared at him, unsure what to think of the situation. “Are you sure… that this is the right thing to do?” He looked down, hardly believing what he was saying, cold fear running through his veins still.<br/>
Robert gave him a defeated look for a moment. Then he went down on a knee, opening the box. The charms looked like gold-encrusted shells adorned in mystic symbols, fastened to strong metal chains. Robert let out a cynical laugh, face-palming for just a moment. “Gawd. Could these be any more tacky?” He got one of them out, getting up, fastening the bracelet around Elliot’s collar. “I know it looks terrible. Sorry. But It should give you at least some measure of protection until I figure something else out...”<br/>
Elliot kissed him, hard. He held unto him tight for just a moment before letting go, unable to voice the feeling suffusing him. The mindless gap that ripped every feeling of certainty from him. Like tomorrow would no longer start off the way their days usually began. Like ongoing life was a sudden uncertainty.<br/>
Like his love, his home – everything familiar – was about to be ripped away from him.<br/>
He watched Robert put on one of the charms himself, his face pained. “I...lets go home. I need to think.”</p><p>---------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Robert sat on the couch in the living room, burying his head in his hands.<br/>
There was no escape.<br/>
The guild had to attack the stronghold before the forces of Kel’harc were done gathering their troops. And when they did, they’d send out forces to attack the nearby areas like they had before. The difference was, those troops would probably no longer be set on robbing the places, no longer looking to conquer new territory.<br/>
The revenge squats usually only wanted to kill and destroy. Murder anyone they could find. Burn down every house. Extinguish any and all signs of life.<br/>
He let out a big sob, hugging himself, trying not to give into the desperation that welled up inside of him.<br/>
He heard Elliot approach quietly, hugging him from behind. “That bad, hm?”<br/>
Robert nodded silently, swallowing hard. He had been conversing with Rasmodius for the past hour, talking through the current situation. The wizard had been kind enough to come by at his request and Robert never had had any reason to doubt the mans word, them having worked together countless times, fighting monsters, each saving the other a number of times…<br/>
He wished he didn’t know him so well. He wished he could doubt the wizards words.<br/>
No matter how he looked at it… Marlon was right.</p><p>He held onto Elliot's arms, shaking, unable to hold back the tears. “I’m…. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry...”<br/>
Elliot trembled for a moment, then he hugged him harder, kissing his temple. He held on for a moment before he sighed quietly, letting go, walking around the couch to sit next to him. “Talk to me.”<br/>
Robert shook his head, pulling at his hair. He glanced at Elliot's earnest eyes, sighing, looking down again. “I… I don’t know what to do. I...” He looked at him for a moment, sighing, putting his head down again. “I don’t want to put this on you. I need to… I need to figure out...” He was babbling, mindless tears springing from his eyes.<br/>
Elliot reached out, pulling Robert closer, embracing him. “Its okay… It’s okay...” Robert clung to him but couldn’t quite let go of his inhibitions to talk about this. His husband had been through such hardship lately. How could he put this on him as well? He couldn’t do this. He had to be strong, for all of them. He couldn’t sit here, wallowing in his pain, his angst, those nightmares about his children dying or the fear of his own untimely death-<br/>
Elliot kissed his hair, stroking him softly, breathing quietly. “Robert… you need to let go.”<br/>
Robert trembled, breathing faster, squeezing his eyes shut, grimacing, struggling, shaking his head. “I… I can’t… I can’t! I can’t!” His head spilled over in horrible images – his husband being strangled by the shadow brutes, his children sliced open, dead-<br/>
The writer sighed quietly, murmuring soft nothings. He shifted, moving to the side slightly, pulling Robert down to lie on the couch, pressing him close. He kissed his forehead, his temple, stroking his head, one arm wrapped tightly around his middle. “I have come to harm in what transpired in the last few weeks. It has damaged and possibly changed me… but I’m still your husband. And I need to be here for you. Please.” He kissed his forehead, his brows, the root of his nose, stroking him. “Stop eating your pain. Talk to me. Please.”<br/>
Robert shuddered, sobbing quietly, clinging to his husband, his head pressed against his shoulder. His mind flooded with the sadness and desperation he’d been keeping down for weeks, ugly sobs making him tremble as he cried. He started losing his sense of time, his mind a haze of tumbling fears and burbling anxieties.<br/>
Eventually, the urge to keep crying died down. His breath was still ragged, his head feeling dizzy, hurting with the characteristic pressure of a bad crying fit. “...I don’t know what to do...I’m so scared, Eli...”</p><p>The writer had been stroking him the entire time, taking his pain, giving him warmth. He made a thoughtful sound, kissing his temple. “I really don’t know either. What did the wizard say to you?”<br/>
Roberts took a breath, ragged. “He…. told me that the Shadow forces are building up a large force to invade the valley. They started setting it into motion a year ago. They...” he looked away, sighing.<br/>
“When that thing happened in the mine last year… When that dragon attacked me. It was a deliberate attack. They had sent assassins after me – and Marlon – before, with no success. They had hoped they could jump he like that, snuffing me out..:” He smiled sadly, meeting Elliot's eyes for just a moment. “If it hadn’t been for you, they had...” he dropped his gaze again, unable to do more than talk into his shoulder right now, words spilling out. “In the year I’ve stayed away from the guild, attacks have increased. More people were jumped, the attacks have become a lot more viscous. Its become harder to get reliable information. Recently, a spy managed to get in deep for the first time in many months. There was little the guild could do but continue patrolling the borders and bulk up defenses at castle village, but they couldn’t launch counter attacks because they had no way of getting through the shield without depleting one mages entire power reserve for any one person to get through, until now.” He let out a deep sigh. “I…. I gave them a way in, basically. Or rather, they did by attacking me last year. The dragon that attacked me left behind some… artifact nonsense. I don’t know. Rasmodius said they extracted some kind of essence from its scales which allows passage through the shield. Only they know it will trigger their alarm when someone does… because someone already died crossing it. Except...Except for me.” He looked up at Elliot, sad. “I… They scanned me. Rasmodius is convinced, I took on the thaumic signature of the dragon when I slew it.”</p><p>Elliot's grip on him intensified, his eyes going hard, frightful. “You’re not… You’re not going in by yourself… Tell me they’re not making you go in there on your own!”<br/>
Robert dropped his head, shivering. “I… I don’t know.” His head started swimming again, dizziness setting in. Elliot pressed him close, trembling, clearly more desperate at Roberts words. His breath was heavy as he kissed Roberts forehead. “But that's still no reason they really need you. Marlon said something about you being a target...”<br/>
Robert nodded. “That is why I am a target. Or one of the reasons. They think that I cannot be spotted by their normal security measures. My previous standing in the guild already gave me a bounty in the shadow kingdom. So they think… if they see me in the badlands at the day of the battle, there’s a...decreased chance that they’ll attack the house. And if they do attack the house, I… wouldn’t be able to protect you with what I can do. We’d be.. We’d be overrun.” He’d started becoming numb to his own words, his sight dreary, ringing building up in his ears. “Regardless if I am here or not… this house would not be safe. I don’t even know.. what’s going to happen to rest of the valley. Magnus said there are safeguards in place, but he says it wouldn’t be enough for here. We’d have to stay at the tower regardless. Me being there… it would be like a beacon. The dragons signature allows me to enter the monsters realm. But it also makes me more visible to them outside of it. Not only can I not protect you… I’d… ” He choked, shaking, panic taking him over.<br/>
</p><p>If he stayed with his family to try and protect them, that very thing might draw in the enemy. </p><p>Might lead to their death. </p><p>And there would be nothing he could do to stop it.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. In Between</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They picked up the kids together. Elliot tried to ask his kids interested questions about their day but the truth was, his mouth was completely on autopilot. He heard their answers, commenting accordingly, but nothing touched him, nothing stayed inside his brain or conveyed real meaning. He was disconnected from everything but his husbands hand in his own. Elliot wasn’t feeling scared anymore. At least not in the normal way... It was more like he had been gutted and crudely sewn back together, moving through the world with hollow necessity. He knew his role in all this. He knew he had to be strong and protect the children and he knew Robert had to do what neither of them wanted him to do.</p><p>They got back home, taking off their shoes and coats. Robert went to the kitchen to wash his hands and put an apron on. “Alright, who’s gonna help daddy make pizza?”<br/>
“Me!” Ephraim ran into the kitchen, delighted. Abigail seemed undecided. “But the elephant is gonna join the ocean-blue-disaster-zoo today.”<br/>
Robert gave her a kind-but-strained-smile. “If you want to watch that instead of helping me, that's okay,  <b>but</b> I will be away for a few days starting tomorrow, so you won’t see me for a bit...”<br/>
Ayleen made a face, looking from him to Elliot. “Where are you going, daddy? Did Papah make you mad again?”<br/>
Elliot winced. He had hovered in the background, watching, trying to commit all interactions between them to memory.<br/>
He didn’t care for this one.<br/>
Robert crouched in front of the girl, putting a hand on her shoulder. “No, my sweet, he didn’t. And he didn’t the last time I left either.” he drew Ephraim closer too, apparently trying to look at both of them. “It’s important to me that both of you understand that. Papah did nothing wrong. Something bad happened to him which caused a misunderstanding between us. He didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes...” he looked sad for a moment. “Sometimes adults have trouble finding the right words. It was nobody's fault.” He looked up at Elliot for a moment, love and sorrow coloring his eyes. Then he turned back to the children: “I’m leaving for a few days because some people need my help. It will be a little bit dangerous, which is why Papah is a bit sad that I’m going. I’m sad too. But they really need my help and… I need to do it. But Papah will be with you the entire time and all of you will be just A-Okay. Alright?”<br/>
Elliot couldn’t see the kids faces but Robert tried his darnest to smile, only a fraction of sadness seeping through. He doubted if the kids could perceive it yet. His chest tightened.<br/>
He couldn’t change anything about the situation. Rationally he knew that. But everything inside of him screamed and raged to grab his husband and never let him go. To not allow him to leave, desperate to keep him, protect him.<br/>
The kids had apparently decided what to do. Ayleen hugged Robert and then ran towards the tv room. Ephraim happily spun around himself while Robert tried putting his small apron on him.<br/>
Elliot watched the scene teary-eyes, his heart bleeding. He needed to remember this. Their sons laughter as they messed around. His husbands genuine delight at the kids proud grin when he tied the apron behind his back himself. He watched as Robert held their son up to slide the freshly selected spelt and wheat into the grinder, loud noise accompanying the out-pour of freshly ground flour.<br/>
They started working on the dough, flour ending up all over the floor and in both their hair. Robert was usually a lot stricter about cleanliness in the kitchen but tonight he seemed to try and be more loose about it, letting their son stab the dough haphazardly with the spatula before finally taking over after the mess had already been made.<br/>
“You know, you could help.” Robert gave him a friendly smile over his shoulder, right before their son threw flour into his face. The farmer coughed, grinning before grabbing more flour to put on Ephraims head. “Gah! Not on the head! Daddy!”<br/>
“Oh yeah? Is my face not part of my head, then?”<br/>
“But that's YOUR head!”<br/>
Robert giggled. He picked their son up in a big hug, kissing his flour-y head. “I love you, son. You’re a wonderful person, even if you throw flour in my face.” When he put the kid down again, finally, it seemed thoughtful. “Daddy… Can I have more flour?” He grinned.<br/>
“No, I think that’s about enough. We’re just kneading the dough a little bit more...” He did. “...and then it needs to sit in a hot bath for half an hour to get nice and relaxed and ready to be rolled out.”<br/>
“Can I watch tv now?”<br/>
“Only after you help me clean up all this flour!” he smeared one more handful on Ephraim's apron, grinning. The kid squealed, trying to move away but Robert playfully grabbed him and started tickling him. The kid squirmed, laughing. “Nooo…. No tickling...aaah…” Robert let go again. “Then you better go get the dustpan. When we’re done with that you can join Ayleen.”<br/>
Their kid stormed off, a trail of flour behind him. Robert chuckled, turned and wet a kitchen towel to wipe the flour out of his face. “Is it still in my hair?”<br/>
Elliot came closer, careful not to tread into the ground grains. “Yes, hold on...” He carefully stroked the flour out of his black hair. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you make such a mess of the kitchen before.” He gave him a small smile, trying to take the lightness of the moment for what it was. Robert shrugged. “I tried embracing what I could get out of this… In this case, a whole lot of flour.” The smile he gave Elliot was enough to nearly drown him in desperation again. So loving. So kind and pure. This was the father of his children and soon he might… he would…<br/>
Elliot rushed forward and cradled him in a hug urgently, pressing his face into his husbands hair, huddling against him as close as he possibly could.<br/>
<i>I can’t lose you.<br/>
I CAN’T LOSE YOU!</i><br/>
Robert made a surprised sound, keeping his arms spread out and away from him. “Eli… I’m covering you in flour.”<br/>
“Don’t care.”<br/>
“Yes you do, you’ll be annoyed about it later.”<br/>
Elliot bit down his internal desperate pleas, the maddening fear that was damn-near driving him insane.<br/>
He sighed quietly. “Then I shall be. But right now I will hold you and nothing will stop me.” He hated how desperate he sounded but there was only so far he could mask his feelings. Robert finally relaxed against him, hugging him back, sighing quietly. “I love you, Elliot...”<br/>
He felt like all air was pressed from his lungs for a moment. He held the other close, so close, so real and alive in this very moment yet it could all fall from his life so soon, much to soon-<br/>
Robert was just 34 years old! Too young to die. Much too young...<br/>
Why did life have to be so cruel?<br/>
He kept trying to bite back his tears, unable to speak.<br/>
Robert kissed his forehead before forcefully removing himself from him again. Elliot just let it happen, letting his head sink forward. Robert washed his hands and took off the flour coated apron before he turned back, embracing him anew. Elliot sighed against him, trying to calm down, trying to gather strength within him somewhere. He felt insanely helpless at the situation as a whole. Like his life – like their lives – were no longer under their control.<br/>
Robert slid his fingers through Elliot’s hair, softly stroking his head, his other hand between his shoulder blades, his head in the crook of his neck, rubbing against him softly. “I’m here...” He hummed against him, softly. “I’m still here. I haven’t left yet.” He kissed his neck softly.<br/>
Elliot trembled. He took deep, steadying breaths, slowly gaining control over himself. “I’m just… I’m just so scared. I know you have no choice. We have no choice. And I support you on my end as much as I can. But I’m… terrified. Terrified of it all.” He kissed his head, holding him. “Seeing you with Ephraim just now...” He rubbed his head against him. “It made… everything too real. What we might lose. What I might lose.”<br/>
“I know...” His voice was raw. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry this is happening...”<br/>
Elliot moved back, straightening, cupping the others face. “It’s not your fault. We’ve been through this. You don’t want this. <i>Don’t you dare blaming yourself.</i>” He kissed his tears away, softly, slowly,  moving down to his mouth, brushing his lips with his own. He drew a fanned-out hand through his hair,   kissing him open-mouthed, slowly moving against him for a long moment. They sighed against another, breaking the kiss hesitantly, leaning their heads together.<br/>
Robert kissed his nose, smiling pained. “We have to make pizza...”<br/>
They regretfully went back to work, peeling and dicing vegetables, leaning against another whenever possible.</p><p>The remaining evening went by much too fast. They finished making pizza and climbed up to join the kids, the four of them cuddling together on the sofa. They brought the kids to bed together, taking time to read to them and cuddle them, reluctant to actually have them go to sleep. But it grew late and before long they were back in the bedroom, Robert packing his bag for the next day.</p><p>Elliot watched him pack all kinds of supplies and gear, growing more anxious by the moment. He’d never been involved into his husbands adventurous escapades and didn’t understand much about the nature of much of the gear he was collecting together, but the grim look on his face and the tense stance said it all.<br/>
He was afraid.</p><p>----------</p><p>Robert packed everything he would need with slow precision, feeling Elliot staring at him as he did. He checked his chainmail-and-leather-armor for tears and holes, put a fresh layer of protective cream over the combat boots and packed a backpack with weapons, rations and charms before drawing a small enchantment circle on the ground. He put the armor inside of it and spread out a few symbolic objects -   an emerald, a fake fly, a small cord flower Ayleen had made along with a painting from Ephraim, a sea shell along with a few traditional symbols of strength and endurance. He knelt down and concentrated, closing the circle with an effort of his will before murmuring the enchantment Camilla had taught him. The armor had already been enchanted before but repeating it would renew its protective effects and repair and damages in the thaumic magic he couldn’t detect himself. It took him he knew not how long to chant long enough for the charm to take hold. It was a strange, flowing sensation when he did it, like he was slowly filling a well with water. He knew it was time to stop when the metaphorical well was close to overflowing. When he was done he took a few slow breaths, steadying himself. Enchantments still made him dizzy.<br/>
He got up slowly, cracking his neck, leaving the armor in the circle so the enchantment wouldn’t be disturbed while sinking in.<br/>
Elliot gave him a curious look. “I’ve never seen you do <i>that</i> before.”<br/>
Robert shrugged. “I’ve never done them here before. But leaving to go to a ritual cave isn’t really an option right now and I’m sure you’d agree that a fresh layer of protection is warranted.”<br/>
Elliot nodded slowly. “I suppose I just hadn’t realized you were also becoming a wizard on the side.” He seemed uneasy.<br/>
Robert shook his head and came closer. “No. No, I’m not, don’t worry… Its just some thaumaturgy that Magnus taught me. Not magic as such. Its more like math.”<br/>
“Hm. If you say so.” He sighed, rubbing his forehead. “Are you done with your preparations?”<br/>
“I think so, yeah.”<br/>
“Hmm.” Elliot got up and moved behind him, kissing his hair stroking down his shoulders along his arms. Robert sighed softly, taking in the touch. Elliot kissed the nape of his neck and hugged him tight. “You ready to go to bed or do you need to take care of anything else?”<br/>
“Hm… I think I’d like to shower first...”<br/>
“Hmm...Sounds like a good idea...” He rubbed his face into the others hair for a moment. “Will you let me care for you?”</p><p> </p><p>They undressed each-other slowly, stroking, kissing and holding with reverence, focusing on the present as much as possible. Elliot raked his hands down his front, then moved around him to kiss his way down his spine, sending warm shivers through his partner. He glided his hands back up from his ankles up to his shoulders, encircling him again, sighing quietly, rubbing his head against him. Robert had his eyes closed, his hands on Elliot's arms, pushing the looming doom from his mind as much as he could. Elliot led him to the bathtub, taking a moment to check the temperature, gently nudging him beneath the warm water. Robert felt his mind turn off, focusing on his partners soft caress and the relaxing effect of the hot water. He let his head fall back against Elliot's shoulder, humming quietly.<br/>
Elliot took his time washing him, raking his fingers all across his body, taking care to reach every hidden inch. His breath grew hot in Roberts ear when he reached the more delicate parts, clearly trying to keep his mind on task while his fingers lingered just a moment too long, hard arousal pressing against Roberts rear. The farmer moaned quietly, changing his angle to move against him. Elliot gasped at the stronger contact, clawing into his chest for a small moment. “Hmm… I think… we’re about done here. How about I take you to bed?”</p><p>–-</p><p>“Promise me...” Elliot had his forehead leaned against him. “Promise you won’t sneak out while I’m sleeping.”<br/>
They were still sweaty but held close regardless, drawn together until they wouldn’t have a choice anymore. Robert sighed quietly. He had been contemplating doing just that, afraid he wouldn’t be able to bear leaving otherwise….but wouldn’t it be much crueler to have Elliot wake up alone?<br/>
The writer pressed him closer, sounding sad:”I know you… Please… Please don’t do that to me. Promise.”<br/>
Robert kissed the crook of his eye. “You know me too well… You’re right, of course. I was...thinking it. I’m… I’m just so scared of that moment.” He sighed, desperate. “When I’ll kiss you for m-maybe the last time and will have to… to turn my back on you to get on my way. I don’t know what I’ll do if you tell me...” He choked.<br/>
Elliot’s breath stuttered. “But you said… you’ll be back in three to four days again for a bit, yes? It won’t be our last kiss. You said you’ve been there before. I don’t know what happens afterwards, but...but...” His breath grew ragged.<br/>
“Yes… Yes, I...it should be fine. But so much could go wrong. Its a dangerous place and…. Yes, if everything goes well I’ll be back in about three days. I took me three days the last time. The attack won’t be for another six days, so I should be… I should be back here in time to at least-” His voice broke on the last few words. He started kissing his husband again, desperate. Robert felt the tears run from his face but he didn’t want to cry, didn’t want to think about all this horribleness anymore. He moved his hands around downwards, trying to entice the other for more sexual contact again, but Elliot snatched his hand and pressed it on the mattress, shifting his weight to put Robert on his back. He kissed his tears in earnest, leaning their chests together. “I love you. I love you more than the serene cool of the ocean and the quietness of the forest. ” He kissed him slowly. “I love you...” He kept whispering. “...More than any book in this world. You are beautiful and kind and strong and I love you more than I can ever say. You are my warmth and my life. You are everything to me. I love you. ”<br/>
Robert felt entirely captivated by his sentiment, his mind drowsy from the love in his husbands words, the warmth in his voice, the earnest, deep affection in his eyes…<br/>
“Elliot...”<br/>
“Shhhh...” Elliot laid a finger on his lips. “You don’t get to say anything back in that regard until all of this is over.” Robert trembled slightly, pressing his lips together. Elliot kissed his forehead. “This way, you’ll spend a healthy amount of time thinking about me while you’re away.”<br/>
Robert sighed wistfully. He turned Elliot's hand around and kissed it, looking up at his partner. “I love you. You can never stop me from saying at least that much.”<br/>
They kissed again, soon becoming more frantic in their need again...</p><p>Come morning, there were no more tears.<br/>
Both kept steadfast in their grim determination to keep each-other steady. </p><p>Both pretended to be certain, that they would see each-other again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I realize that its a bit inconsequentional to have Elliot just be okay with intimacy here after what happend to him. I might edit this a bit later to account for it, but honestly, I just didn't want to weigh this part of the story down more than I had to. If I write Elliot as a totally traumatized mess then he'd end up in the psych ward while all of this is going down. Not really what I wanted...<br/>...So he's just a little bit traumatized. And he has had <i>some</i> time to heal, at least...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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